Awkward Mom vs. Ghosts

In the spring, a young mom's fancy (and one particularly precocious 5-year-old's fancy) turns to thoughts of solving mysteries....

It is that time again, Readers! The new Her Interactive Nancy Drew game is out, and Super Preschooler and I are all set to solve the mystery of the Ghost of Thornton Hall. Nothing like the 80 degree weather we are sporting here to put us in the mood for a Southern Gothic ghost story. Long-time Readers know of my affinity for (and not-so-secret desire to be) Nancy Drew, with her plucky amazonian amazingness. Nothing awkward about her, that is for sure. Maybe for any villain that underestimates her, but not for her. No way.

The timing couldn't be better, as I am currently battling a full frontal assault from villains, Self-Doubt, Debilitating Writer's Block, and Why-Bother-No-One-Reads-What-You-Write-and-No-One-Will-Ever-Like-You-Anyway. I usually have a monthly battle with these guys, but this month seems far worse and I am not entirely sure why that is. Wish Nancy would pop over here and figure it out for me. But I think she has her hands full, so I will just let it be and help her instead.

It might be just what I need. A little bonding time with my attention-craving oldest child and a chance to feel successful at something. Even if it is a game aimed at 10-year-olds. It will still take me all week and I will have to rely on Super Preschooler for the harder puzzles, but I expect great things! Not amazonian amazingness, but perhaps some less awkward adequacy. I would take that.

Awkward Mom is taking the week off to find the Ghost of Thornton Hall and maybe purge a couple of lingering personal ghosts of her own. Check back here next week for some less ghoulish thoughts. We hope.......(insert creepy music here)

Someone's ready!

 

When queried about the scariness of this one, Super Preschooler replied,

"Oh, it's OK. She's a pretty ghost."

Little Goth in the making over here.....

Awkward Mom vs. Timelessness

My Dearest Super Toddler-

Never change.

Seriously, that is the sum total of my mom wisdom for you. Keep on being the you that popped into this world a full 2 weeks early, ready to party, during an ice storm. Of course, you might wanna potty train at some point (no pressure!) and get a driver's license, but other than that, I would say that you are pretty much ready to take on the world.

You are timeless, my angel. The definition of a little boy. We could transplant you into any era and you would be just fine. I can see you playing knights in the middle ages. I can picture your mischievous grin staring back from some Renaissance painting, just itching to tear off your frilly collar and go hunting. You would rock that pushing a hoop with a stick game that 1890s children seemed to favor. That you would have been in Our Gang in the 30s is a foregone conclusion. I would love to see you in some 50s diner, doing your best Elvis. We know you have the hip moves down. And do we even need to talk about how well you would have fit into the 1970s?

No, we don't. It is pretty obvious.

You fit in everywhere. You make friends without doing anything. You are buoyed through life on an effortless pillow of your own charm. You have something special that people just want to be around. I don't know what it is, but this about covers it:

Yep. There it is.

I know that you don't need me to tell you how to be amazing. If you wanted to know how to be awkward, well, I would be all over that. But amazing? No, that is your department. Don't ever let it go. Don't let the world try to tame you too much; they need a few rule breakers just to keep things interesting. You probably don't need it, but here are a few pointers on continuing to being awesomely you, just in case you are ever tempted to conform.

You are what you eat, so enjoy some variety in your diet. A little protein.

Lots of fruits and veggies.

Make sure to save room for dessert though.

 

Get lots of sleep, whenever and wherever you can. It's good for your brain.

Dress for success.

Whether that's a hat that makes you look like a tiny drunk Brewer...

Or a sparkly headdress.

Whatever you wear will be totally you, because you are rexcellent.

 

Have a few role models that you look up to.

Surround yourself with good friends.

 

Don't let anyone steal your focus.

 

Be bold.

Stay curious.

Always enjoy a good balloon.

Remain fearless.

You are such an amazing person, Super Toddler. I am not so sure that they broke the mould when they made you, I think you broke it yourself with the sheer force of your personality. You are going places and you are gonna do things and it doesn't really matter what they end up being; you will make it all a fabulous, wild, and entertaining journey. You are timeless, yet completely original. Never change.

I love you,
Awkward Mom

Awkward Mom vs. Shortcuts

Sometimes people say to me, "Awkward Mom, you are a stay-at-home mom to 3 children under the age of 5, and they all appear to be making it to the end of the day. How do you do it?" And I answer, "well, awkwardly, clearly. But I do have help from a few shortcuts."

Let me share these with you and you too can keep the children alive until the saner parent arrives.

1. Sometimes shoes are optional. Get a little mom cred and tell the crunchy moms that you are doing it to connect your child to the earth or encourage natural arch support or some such thing. Don't tell them that you actually don't know where your child's shoes are.

2. Automatic car doors.

3. If you just went somewhere amazing, like the museum or the zoo, and everyone fell asleep in the car ride home, park in the driveway, go inside, get a book, and come back and read it in the front seat. If it is a nice day, leave the windows open and read on the lawn. Tell curious neighbors that the children are getting something from the back yard. You deserve it, you just took your kids somewhere amazing!

4. Speaking of driving, want a little brain space and a reprieve from the endless backseat questions? Just blast the Beatles, or something equally kid-friendly-but-not-kid-music, and call it "homeschool music appreciation."

5. You know that playdates are really dates for you, right? You can't put a price on middle-of-the-day conversation with another adult, so don't waste it by helicoptering your child around the park. Remember that 2 sets of eyes are now watching the children, so relax and enjoy the gossip.

6. Hats; warm in the winter, shady in the summer. Everyone will think you are fashion-forward and put-together, and you don't have to ever do your hair again. It's a classier solution than the stay-at-home-mom ponytail. Perfect!

7. Wanna go to the bathroom alone? Hide a piece of candy or a small toy somewhere in the living room and tell the children to "go on a treasure hunt." Make sure it is easily openable so this plan will backfire spectacularly.

8. Always have snacks. I don't care if they are from McDonald's or Whole Foods, but have something. You don't want to have to leave the playdate, and thus miss the end of the Perfect-Mom-and-her-secret-Plastic-Surgery story, just because you forgot to feed the hordes.

9. Speaking of food, there is a huge range of shortcuts between Happy Meals and growing your own organic peas. Please feel free to take them. Baby food pouches, already cut-up fruit, pre-packaged granola; don't be afraid to embrace convenience once in awhile. And don't judge anyone else's food shortcuts, that is just tacky.

10. Netflix.

11. Toy Bins. Label them if you wanna feel fancy. Playdate over? Scoop, dump, close. Done.

12. Wanna write a blog post but totally over-committed for the day? Start the water for the mac and cheese. Start a My Little Pony to serve as a timer. Start the post. Become alerted to the boiling water by a rattling lid and a toddler convinced the stove has a ghost in it. Stir in the macaroni. Resume blog post. Zone out a little around number 3, that sounds really nice. Shake yourself out of it. Go stir the macaroni. Pause in the living room and remark that Pinkie Pie is really odd. Be shooed away by the oldest. Resume blog post. Have number 7 remind you that you have to pee. Resume blog post. Suddenly remember the macaroni. Go rescue it and hope that the children want it well cooked. Proof-read blog post. Marvel that you spelled macaroni 3 different ways, all of them wrong. Hope that your readers are feeling tolerant and understanding in this lovely summer-like weather. Press publish.

Coats? Who has time for that? Just keep a blanket in the car at all times.

Preferably one with a dragon on it.

Awkward Mom vs. Boy Photo Shoots

Happy Mother's Day to my fellow moms, awkward or not. As predicted, we spent the weekend taking a variety of awkward pictures. We were semi-successful in this one:

Thar she is: Four Generations of Awkward Women.

And a pretty decent photo to boot.

(I don't wanna hear from the bottles-should-be-gone-by-age-12-months-people.

I'm working on it, so just enjoy the moment, please.)

 

Buoyed by our success with the female members of the family, we attempted a male-only photo shoot. The results are below....

 

Well, they are awkward, which is accurate, so I guess they are acceptable.

Tune in soon for tell of our trip to the Rainforest Cafe. 

I don't need to tell you that it was wild, do I?

It was wild.

Awkward Mom vs. Baby Holding

We are on the move! Heading back to Illinois for a Mother's Day celebration and the time-honored tradition of taking pictures of Awkward women holding future Awkward women.

 

 

 

See those first and last ones? 35 years in between those and Awkward Great-Grandma looks exactly the same! That is all the proof I need to go poking around her attic for suspicious portraits....

Have a wonderful Mother's Day, Readers! See ya on the flip side!

Awkward Mom vs. Adorableness

We know. We know. You wanna know how the Vader head pinata went down. (In a blaze of glory and toddlers waving light sabers, if you must know) And we owe you a post about our awkward antics at the Cincinnati Zoo. And we are heading to Chicago this weekend for more adventures. So much to tell, but not today. Not now. Not this post. Why? Because this is going on:

My Beautiful Daughter-

It is early May in 2013, and you are turning 18 months in a week or so. Spring has finally arrived and we are in a daze of daffodils and dandelions. We are barely home; rushing here and there and tumbling headlong into summer. When we are home, everything is slamming screen doors and frantic hunts for hats. Everything is busy and no one sits still, least of all you, but today I forced you to sit on the train table for a total of 2 and a half minutes while I took these pictures.

 

You. Are. Gorgeous. (You are smart, hilarious, creative, kind, and bombastic as well, but you know that.) If you are anything like your mother, or the legions of awkward women that have gone before you, you are well acquainted with your inner beauty and a little leery of your outer beauty. Well, girl, I am here to tell you that it is ample. I sometimes can't even get stuff done because you come in the room and it blinds me. Like today.

Today, I have wonderful intentions of cleaning and packing for our upcoming trip, but you wander in the living room in your hand-me-down striped onesie and your too long shorts, looking like something off a Kennedy private beach. Your wispy curls are catching the late afternoon sun and, your race around the house, looking for Mr. Potato Head's other arm, has rendered your cheeks as red as the curtains billowing behind you. You are shoeless. You are always shoeless, my hippie child. Your skin is shiny and bright, despite the layer of caked-on kid-mess; flower petals, grass, glitter, cat hair, and dirt cling to you like the day's history in tattoo. Your feet are filthy and I still want to kiss each adorable toe.

Have I mentioned your eyes? There never were such eyes. That a perfect combination of sass and sincerity can exist in 1 pair of eyes is a miracle unparalleled. They are luminous and rival the moon in loveliness. Right now, they vacillate between annoyance at being forced to sit still and boundless joy to be the center of Mommy's attention. Your whole soul pours out those eyes; you see, it is a fearless and blissful soul that can not be contain by your little body.

You are gonna grow and you are gonna change. Your arms will lose those baby folds, and your feet will lengthen. Your walk will sophisticate it's way right out of it's current John-Wayne wobbled gait. Someday you will be taller, stronger, bigger. Your hair will be tamed into ponytails and bobs. Your cheeks will flush for different reasons. You will morph from cute to gangly to elegant, and I will barely have time to blink. I will look up one day and you will be a young woman; roses where there were dandelions. But I won't cry and I won't miss you as you are today. Because I will look in your eyes and see that enormous soul that was always too big for baby-you to house anyway. That isn't gonna change, my beautiful angel, because it has no need to. It is the perfect size already.

I love you,
Awkward Mom

That's nice and all, Mommy. But I gots to go.

Awkward Mom vs. Springtime

Nothing like a little warm weather to bring out a couple of cliches.

My amazing, awesome, and only slightly awkward children-

Well, it finally happened; the warm weather is here at last! We have been tooting around town with the windows open for about a week now, so I am thinking that it is here to stay. Those long days (and really late bedtimes) have also driven the point home as well, and you know your mom, I have a couple other points I would like to drive home.

You are all in the springtime of your lives. A carefree time of endless sun and flowers that I want you to savor and enjoy. Of course, you are in a hurry to grow up; that is what all children are in a hurry to do. You see us driving cars, eating whatever we want, going to bed at midnight; it all looks so exciting and slightly dangerous. And it is. And you will get there. Well, you'll get there if you stop sassing me all the time, that is. But childhood is short, messy, and will comprise about 75% of your memories, so please, continue to do the following things for as long as is seemly. And maybe perhaps a little after that.

1. Let your hands play with the wind out the open window. I pretend my hand is an Olympic runner jumping over all the fence posts, but you go wherever your imagination leads you.

2. Sand, chalk, glitter, and play-dough are just fine; don't listen to my sharp intakes of breath or mumbles about mess. I am old and don't always know the value of a good messy project.

3. Snuggle the front cover of the touch and feel book to your face if you want to, I bet it feels really nice. Those hipsters laughing at you in Barnes and Noble don't know what they are missing.

4. Lose your shoes. The grass feels good and we can find them later.

5. Yes, dandelions are flowers. I don't know what fool told you they were weeds.

6. Dress any ol' way you please. Your smile will turn anything you don into a delightful couture creation anyway.

7. Continue to taste just about everything. As you grow and learn, more and more of these things will actually turn out to be food, but I like your adventurous spirit; don't lose that.

8. Greet your friends like they are the Beatles each and every time you see them. Friends are like gold and they should know that at every opportunity.

9. Dance your crazy-pants, wild with abandon, Peanuts dance to everything from James Brown to Barney. People are definitely watching, but it is because they are in awe.

10. Blow kisses to strangers, especially the grandmas.

11. Give the pinata everything you have got; raining candy is the best kind. Right up there with candy thrown from a float and Halloween candy.

12. If anything goes wrong, and I mean anything, find someone who loves you to hug you and give you a band-aid. (The band-aid may someday come in the form of a chocolate bar or a bottle of wine, but the principle is the same.) The hug won't always fix your problem, but it will always make it feel a little more manageable.

13. If someone can't come up with a favorite Muppet, you might wanna reconsider that friendship.

14. You can draw, sing, dance, write, act, paint, and you are good at it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. As Picasso says, " All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up."

15. Of all the culinary delights in the world, and there are many, nothing will ever taste as good as a Freezie-Pop shared with friends. Nothing.

(Even if your mother is too lazy to get off the porch to take a proper picture of it.)

 

I adore you all; keep enjoying your springtime, even if you sometimes have to defy me to do it.

 

Love always,

Awkward Mom

 

And how are your springtimes going, Readers? Full of wonderful cliches, we trust!