Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Awkward Mom vs the ER visit (part 1)

Well, faithful readers, you all knew this day was coming. This rite of passage for all moms, awkward, superhero, or otherwise; the ER visit. Let’s join Awkward Mom as she stumbles through this momentous day with her usual lack of anything approximating grace.

Turn green. Turn green. Turn green. I have to get to the ER! Maybe I should invest in an airplane. All the real superheroes have them; I could call it Awkward Air. Oh, I like the ring of that…maybe… Why are all those cars beeping at me? Oh! The light is green.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking. “Awkward Mom, why are you driving your angel to the ER, is he hurt? And if he is, where are the whirling lights and traffic clearing sirens of the ambulance you should have called? And why do you seem so calm? Annoyed, perhaps, but calm?" I hear you, ummm, whoever you are. The thing is; last night the toddler fell while running around. This, of course, happened when I was not looking. He hobbled into the room, crying. Awkward Dad was home, so the two of us examined him head to toe for injuries and debated taking him to the ER for the better part of an hour. By this point, the toddler was again running around, so it seemed rather pointless.

However, this morning, he wakes up and refuses to walk. Just refuses. He oozes out of bed, like some prehistoric creature beaching itself on land, or in his case, the toy box. Amazingly, he manages to get around most of the morning like this. He repeatedly tells me that nothing hurts, as he lets me twist his ankle this way and that way. He ignores me completely as I poke his knee, his calf, his foot. He tells me he just wants to lie there and color, as he crawls over to his crayons. However, after waiting 18 months for this child to walk (it’s true!), there is no way I am going back to him crawling. I put in a video for the slug lying on the living room floor, and I call the doctor’s office. While I am on hold, the toddler starts an enormous melt-down, complete with horror-inducing screams. This wakes the baby, who joins in this chorus of chaos. I am convinced something is crawling out of the TV and melting their faces off, a la Raiders of the Lost Ark, so I go tearing into the living room, just as the nurse comes on the line. Of course, the only thing wrong is that the video is skipping. I explain the not walking situation to the nurse. She says, “If he is in that much pain, you need to take him to the ER, right now!” She hangs up before I can explain further. Guess the doctor’s office is out of the question.

Happily, the video rights itself and the call to the ER is made during a quiet moment, so I am able to convey the situation a little more accurately. This nurse tells me that Urgent Care is my best option, which pleases me. She then informs me that I will need to use the ER entrance anyway, which pleases me less. So, off we go to the ER. OK, well, not right away. It takes about 20 minutes, 7 bribes, 11 action figures, 2 stuffed animals, 4 Starbursts (don’t judge), and a blanket to get the toddler pried off the living room floor and into the car. The baby is less vocally demanding, but he requires about as much stuff. This requires 5 trips to and from the car, which, considering I have to carry the toddler, is rather light.

And we are off. I am racing through yellow lights and generally trying to act like I know what to do in an emergency. I am also trying to act like this is an emergency because no one in this car is helping me. The baby is sound asleep. And the toddler is chatting quite happily to his action figures, who are engaged in an extremely long and complex siege on the evil ogre’s lair, which, coincidentally, is located right near the back of Momma’s head. This provokes the extremely un-Mom thought that if he doesn’t need to go the ER now, he is going to by the end of this car trip.

Let’s leave Awkward Mom with her Un-Mom thoughts, for the moment. The Evil Plague of Death (code name: the cold), has struck the Awkward Family yet again, and Awkward Mom’s story telling powers have taken a hit. Tune in tomorrow (or maybe the day after, if the sinuses are still under attack) for the continuation of the ER Visit. You won’t be disappointed….it has it all; screaming babies, disgruntled car valets, and, horror of horrors, X-rays. More to come…

No comments:

Post a Comment