Awkward Mom vs. The Exercise Bike

So, pre-Alien-Invasion (because it sounds cooler than Covid-19, that's why), I was a member of the Y. Three mornings a week, after I dropped the older children off at school, I would drive to the Y, leave Super Toddler with the lovely ladies in the Child-Watch, head to the locker room, chat with the Grandmas who were headed to the water aerobics class, change into my shorts and an ancient Obama for Senate T-shirt, and exercise for an hour on an exercise bike while scrolling through Instagram and wondering why everyone loves white kitchens with open shelving and reclaimed wood so much. I think they might have less children than I do. Occasionally, I would change into a swimsuit (one no where near as risque as the water aerobics Grandmas, but they are soaked in confidence, give me time to get there), and I would swim laps in the pool and delight in my own buoyancy and the fact that no one was asking me why-questions for a blissful 45 minutes. Ah, simpler times. 

Now, I use Awkward Dad's exercise bike in my basement while children shout down the stairs that someone ate the last Nutty-Buddy and he or she is now going to die. Thanks a lot, Aliens. 

You shouldn't feel too sorry for me. At least this is Awkward Dad's new exercise bike. His old one was a purchase from shortly after our wedding and the seat was stuck at his height and the cover was gone. Therefore, to use it, I would perch on a sweat-soaked foam lump, vaguely in the shape of a seat, well above the ground, my toes straining to reach the pedals, while things below me creaked, that definitely should not have been creaking. And not just my joints. 

Thankfully, this one adjusts to my height.

And doesn't even seem bothered by the random pool-noodle lightsaber some Sith left behind. 

It isn't the blissfully alone experience of the Y, but I am trying to be positive about it. In fact, there are 2 benefits to exercising at home in my basement:

1. I don't have to put on a shirt. 

2. I have a nice view. 

Obviously, one needs to overlook a few things on the way to the view, 

but details...

So, every morning, I put on a sports bra and some awful holey leggings, put on a Hard-Rock-Work-Out playlist in an effort to drown out kid-noise, look out at my beautiful backyard, and try not to die. I have been fairly successful so far, but after today, that might change. 

OK, so picture it, I am biking along, huffing and puffing along to Thunderstuck. The kids are all asleep, thanks to a midnight Animal Crossing session, that Should shows up to shame me about. I chase her away, along with Super Cat, who decides he wants to sit on the handlebars. Things are cool for a minute or two, until the music changes to that prophetic wonder Alice Cooper. And you totally know what song it is...10 minutes into this workout and Anxiety and Panic show up to question me about what my fall school plan is; home-school or sending them back? Their current school hasn't expressed a remote option, and suddenly Should is back with some thoughts about that. Super Cat jumps on my back about the same time a super child appears on the top of the steps, in tears and talking about vomit. I blink back some sweat or tears, I can't tell, and look up into my sunny backyard to settle myself, where I lock eyes with a man who is literally 2 feet from my basement door. (Turns out the neighbors' roofers had a box blow off the roof and land in our backyard.) He waves at me, and suddenly, the only benefits to working out in the basement become decidedly not. 

I avoid screaming and somehow wave back, before sprinting up the stairs (probably getting more exercise than the entire week of bike riding), scooping up the crying child, and exploding into the kitchen to find the rumored vomit. Thanks a lot, Aliens. 

Hey, you guys remember when the Spray Park was Awkward Mom's biggest nemesis? 

Ah, simpler times. 

Awkward Mom vs. Shoulds (Pandemic Version)

Hey, Erin, aren't you going to address the fact that you haven't written in over year because you have been dealing with Imposer Syndrome, Pre-Adolescents, and your doubt in the wisdom of being an essayist in a post-Twitter universe? 

Nah. They'll figure it out. 

So, here we are; Earth's in trouble and it's time to come together, alien-invasion-style! It's pretty Walking Dead out there; full of factions and showers totally optional. Not exactly what I pictured for our response to a global threat. I mean, I thought I would at least get a super suit. Maybe a trip to Stark Tower. A scrappy team of odd-balls with a variety of skills and hearts of gold. Oh, wait, I have that last one!

Best Alien-Invasion-Suits Target had in stock.

And my alien-invasion team has been doing their best; remote schooling, staying home, wearing masks, Zooming like pros, and generally being the adaptive wonders that children are. We're hunkered down and ready to save the day! So, how come I am still battling Should and his sister Shouldn't like it's a normal July Wednesday?!

I have documented my endless battles with the evil Should twins before, so I won't bore you. You know them; sometimes they like to show up with their buddies Regret, What-If, Expectations, Why-Haven't-You-Already, Societal-Pressure, Instagram-Envy, Everyone-Knows-What-They-Are-Doing-But-Me, Comparison, and Over-Thinking. But they are perfectly capable of ruining your day by themselves. Mind you, they aren't BIG EVENT villains, like Thanos, My-Baby-Is-Starting-College, Potty Training. No, these are low-level thugs that you battle back daily; Copperhead, Cobra Command, that guy that killed Uncle Ben, 12-year-olds who like to slam doors, Laundry. You know, everyday villains. I guess I just figured that these aren't everydays, so why am I dealing with everyday AND pandemic villains?

Pandemic Should and Shouldn't go something like this: Morning, Erin, it's kinda late, you really Should get up. And you probably Shouldn't have let the kids stay up late playing video games. You really Should keep an eye on screentimes; even though it is Pandemic Summer, the summer slide is probably gonna be extra worse this year. Maybe you Should develop a homeschooling system, you won't be any good at it, of course because you haven't done it before (oh, Good Morning, Regret, come on in!) but you Should do it anyway because all the good moms are doing it, according to Facebook. Oh, and you Should really get some Essential Oils. Good job brushing your teeth, Erin, but your flossing Should be better than that. Wake up the children, they Shouldn't sleep in, but maybe they Should because you let them stay up and they don't really have anything to look forward to because everything is cancelled and you aren't creative enough to create your own camps and magical summer activities. That would be true in a normal year, but it is extra damaging this year because of Pandemic and their mental health is bad and you haven't really been focusing on that, now have you? You Should make the bed, Erin. Shouldn't let standards slide, just because we are stuck in the house and we don't see anyone and your social skills have all but disappeared and you were so weird at the drive-up window at the bank yesterday that the poor clerk totally thought you were flirting with him and was probably totally disgusted at the thought because you are old and out of shape and hey, where are you going? Mindless scrolling through Instagram isn't gonna help matters, in fact, look at her house, why isn't your house that pretty? If she can make her house look that nice in the middle of Pandemic, while homeschooling 3 children and raising 14 chickens, certainly you can do the dishes, right? 

And on and on. Until bedtime, but not really because the children don't really go to bed anyway, rather just collapse, clutching Switch controllers and candy, and you Should clean them and move them to bed but they are sticky and if you have to touch one more sticky thing today you are going to scream and wake them up again, so you leave them where they fall and you go upstairs to lie in bed and stare at your phone, knowing you Shouldn't, but you don't want to think. Anything. Anything at all, just to not have to think.

And this is all pretty standard for normal July weekdays but these aren't normal standard July weekdays and if I have to make masks and decide about school plans and worry about my grandmother and sanitize everything and online-navigate systemic racism responses and Covid deniers and basically live with a permanent stress-ball lodged in my chest at all times, why the hell do I have to fight with Should and Shouldn't?! And they seem stronger than usual. Does Covid enhance them? Like the Goblin Serum?! Crap.

Here's the thing; the movies only show you part of the Alien Invasion; the rousing inspiring part where the President gives a speech and Randy Quaid flies into a spaceship (um...spoiler). They don't have time or plot reasons or any financial incentive to tell you everything, and I have plenty of questions, the least of which is why the heck would an advanced culture that can develop crazy cool technology and navigate space come to a planet that is 71% water if water is deadly to them....Also, who is gonna clean up this mess? How do we raise children during this? Do the aliens care if my dishes are clean? How long is this gonna take? If we aren't returning to normal after this anyway, can we just change the national currency to cheese? Who is in charge? Why does it feel like no one is in charge? Why are you all arguing? Am I going to mutate? And follow-up to that, can I request a cool mutation and not one of the Morlock-ones? Who do I see about that?

Now, replace aliens with pandemic. (And ignore my cheese and mutation fixations if you can.) This is not a place for Should or Shouldn't. No where is, but this is really not a place for them, especially supercharged mutated them. (Sorry, I really like the X-men...) They are gonna keep showing up, that's what they do, but maybe we don't have to invite them in. Shoulds are like Vampires, they can't come in unless you let them. So grab the garlic and your strongest affirmation because they are gonna try to get you to let them in.

Don't. Don't. Just don't. Not shouldn't or maybe or can't or any of those. This is a DON'T situation. This is an alien invasion and we need you to focus. You are so capable of this DON'T. Please stop listening to Should and his sister; you are surviving a PANDEMIC and that is all you have to do. No shoulds about it.

Oh! Can I have that mutation where I control plants? That one would be cool...