Thursday, August 30, 2012

Awkward Mom vs. Mall Perfect Mom

Another day, another battle with Perfect Mom. She is totally our arch-nemesis; step aside Potty Training and Whine Monster.

Dear Mall Perfect Mom that I ran into in front of Hollister at 3:56 pm today-

First of all, I want to thank you for your good intentions. If my son had indeed been missing, I would have appreciated your air-raid-siren call of "Whose Child is this? Is this anyone's child? Missing Child!" Your quick thinking and passionate response are good things that speak well of your character, please don't lose that. I value that you got right down to Super Toddler's level and queried him about the whereabouts of his mother. I doubt that he appreciated you grabbing his arm and shaking him slightly when he didn't answer you, but I suppose I could see that your approach there might be necessary if the child were in shock or, you know, actually missing.

I assume that he failed to answer you because he thought it was pretty obvious that his mom was about 6 feet away from him, dealing with a sticking stroller wheel. I now understand that you made your children hold your hand at all times in public and I am glad that method worked for you. As you can plainly see, I have 3 children and am not an octopus, so I don't think it would work for me. I know that the mall is crowded. I am aware that kidnappings happen in an instant. And I do not need a link to a website that sells child-leashes. I am sure those work for some people, but Super Baby isn't yet walking, Super Toddler would be tangled in it within 4 minutes, and Super Preschooler already has enough material for several years of therapy. If you want to write down the web address for me, that is fine, but I am fairly sure I will lose it the minute you turn around.

It should be pretty obvious, what with the stroller, messy ponytail, and 3 foot bags under my eyes, but I am a MOM. I have the peripheral vision of James Bond. I've got that weird slowmo assessing of the surroundings thingie that hot Sherlock Holmes has. And if that fails, I have an internal radar that sets off the second one of them gets too far away from me. Plus, I am more than capable of calling for security myself. If you wanna help me seek them at that point, I would be more than happy for your help.

I know that my freckles are deceiving, but I am not the babysitter. They are mine. I have safely guided these 3 children from infancy to a burgeoning toddlerhood and beyond. I know I haven't been at it too long, but I think I am doing OK. I am not your teenaged daughter sneaking out of the house in a halter top and I am not your son who is failing out of chemistry. I am actually none of your business. I do not need a lecture in the middle of the mall. I do not need to be shamed because you thought my child was missing. I do not need advice. If you want to hold the baby for a second so I can fix this stroller wheel, that would be great, but anything else is really not necessary or wanted.

So, thank you for your good intentions, but I (and my non-missing children) are doing just fine. We are not perfect, but if you are the main representative, I am pretty sure that is a group I don't want to be a part of anyway.

Awkward Mom

P.S. By the way, I think it is kinda creepy that you know so much about kidnapping.

Sass thrusters on full power today, eh, Awkward Mom? Join us next time, Readers! The Mall is a den of villains and this Hollister encounter wasn't the most awkward thing that happened today. No. Not by a long shot.

Who wouldn't want to kidnap these cuties?


  1. Seriously. So cute!
    Omg, where do these Perfect Moms get off? The nerve!!
    Did you see the episode of Modern Family with the child leashes? Priceless.

    1. How did I miss that one?! Hulu, here I come!