Sunday, March 3, 2013

Awkward Mom vs. Dreams

Oh holy cats, please tell me that she is not previewing her writing class homework for us in some vain attempt at getting accolades and support before walking into class. Maybe we should start calling her Transparent Mom...
Assignment (should you chose to accept it): Write the dreams of all the people who are sleeping in a house. It might be a house where you lived as a child, or it might be the house of a character about whom you are currently writing.

“OK, people, let’s get moving. I am appearing in both toddler and mom dreams tonight, and, as you are all equally busy, let’s make this quick. Everyone here?”

“Pretty sure the goblins are late, per usual,” says the U-boat commander, before he offers around the pot of coffee.

“Well, that’s OK,” Sleeping Beauty yawns and waves off the coffee at the same time. “They don’t appear until the nightmare part of the preschooler’s schedule, which is after the forest sequence.”

Thor straightens, “Well, it is still important that they be here on time. We have 5 dreamers in this house now, people, we have to be organized. Princess, are your troops ready?”

Cinderella glares at him over the top of her mocha. “Simmer down, Thor. We have been doing this since before the toddler was even aware of your existence. Preschooler’s dream plan is pretty routine tonight. Fancy ball with all Disney princesses, followed by some dance numbers and dragon flying, and then we rescue Sleeping Beauty here and find the treasure. We encounter Manny the Mammoth, which is really the only new part. Everyone say hi to Manny.”

There are murmurs of welcome and congratulations about his numerous sequels.

“Thanks guys, happy to be here, and again, Rapunzel, super sorry about that tusk thing earlier.”

“No big thing, buddy. My hair has been in weirder places, believe me.”

“People! Moonlight is wasting!”

“Jeez, Thor, maybe cool it with the coffee? You are totally edgy.”

“I’m sorry, but I am pulling a double feature tonight and just need to know that you all are gonna do your jobs.”

Cinderella smiles indulgently, “OK, well, it must be nice to be so in demand. Manny ends act three, which leads us back through the forest, cue the tardy goblins. Preschooler wakes up and goes into parents’ room, some reassuring, I imagine, and then he is back asleep and we resume the ball for the rest of the night. Belle is gonna wear that dress that changes colors!”

This is followed by collective screaming. “Shut up! Are you serious?” “I wanted to wear that dress!” “You have got to get me the name of her tailor.”

Thor bangs his coffee cup on the table. “Ladies! Can we focus, please? The timing of preschooler’s waking needs to coincide with the floating in the underwater grotto section of Mom’s dream.”

Spiderman uncurls himself from the ceiling corner to raid the donut box. “She on the outs with Mark Wahlberg tonight or something? Just keep her nice and relaxed, buddy, and the rest will be fine. Or are you are still pissed that I am swinging around New York with Dad and you get stuck in the underwater grotto?”

“I am not pissed, Peter, just slightly concerned about Dad’s taste.”

“Well, Thor, or shall we be formal, Dr. Blake? I’d be more concerned about Mom’s taste. And hey, by the by, when did you learn to speak English? You are supposed to be all doth this and thine hammer this.”

“I’m movie-verse Thor, Peter. Just because Dad’s thought process stopped developing circa 1989 and around issue 250, doesn’t mean that Mom’s did. Are your folks ready?”

“Sure are, O Mighty One. We swing around New York for most the early evening, save a few underwear models wearing nerd girl glasses. Then the Commander over there guides his sub up the now flooded Times Square and we battle for the main part of the night. Aliens show up toward the end and we all eat pizza until the alarm goes off. Pretty standard.”

“You don’t pause for preschooler’s nightmare?”

Peter scoffs and spews sprinkles all over the table and into Manny’s fur, “ummm, no. Oh that’s right, you are always hanging out with Mom, so wouldn’t know about Dad’s solid REM abilities. Nope, we are in movie blockbuster territory most of the night.”

“Great, fine. Mom has a nightmare about not being able to find the children in a field. Is a awake for a couple hours, worrying about money and the toddler’s college possibilities, and when she finally falls asleep, we have the grotto sequence with me. There is no need for giggling, you guys! Pause for preschooler’s nightmare wake-up, and then she is then awake for another hour, before her recurring clown nightmare. You guys, ready?”

“Son, we have been scaring her since she was preschooler’s age. Don’t you worry about us. Hey, Peter, anymore glazed ones, over there?”

Peter tosses the creepy clowns some donuts, and the goblins slink in the backdoor.

“Hey, sorry we’re late, the flu is going round and we had to pinch hit for some Canadian goblins last night.”

Thor waves them in, “Yeah, yeah, OK. The clowns end Mom’s dream cycle and I think she is up from then on. Let’s focus on toddler now. The Star Wars/Avengers mash-up battle for the moon is pretty tricky, but we have been practicing and I think we’re ready. Now, he wants Darth Vader to win. This is not a nightmare twist people, I repeat; he really wants Darth Vader to win.”

“That boy is the best. Totally one with the dark side.”

“Yes, Darth, thank you for that. We all appreciated toddler's unique view of the world. He wants more guns than last night and he’ll end with this hot air balloon fight thing that ends up resembling the Hindenburg disaster.”

Cinderella shudders, “Where on earth did he get that?”

Darth beams. “History channel.” At least, he beams as well as he can through that helmet.

“OK, that just leaves baby. Are you large colorful shapes ready? Guys? Seriously, I can’t tell if you’re nodding or just bouncing up and down. OK, well, you are here so I am gonna assume that is a yes. When does she get normal dreams again?”

Creepy Clown 1 bites into a jelly donut and dabs ineffectively at the stain spreading down his front. “Pretty sure that BabyCenter says it is around 2 years. Oh crap, look at this.”

Creepy Clown 2 assesses the spot, “Oh leave it! It looks like blood; it will do quite nicely.”

“Ah, thanks buddy.”

Thor sighs, “OK, I think we are all ready. Come on, guys, bring it in for a huddle. Manny, yikes! You have got to work on tusk placement!”

“Sorry, Thor.”

Cinderella shrieks; “Oh gross! Creepy clown 1 is sticky! And that is not what huddle means, Darth.”

Thor throws his hands up in defeat. “OK, no huddle tonight. Good meeting, guys. Go be great dreams. See you all at tomorrow’s meeting; on time, eh, Goblins?”

Sweet dreams, Readers! Don't let the creepy clowns steal your donuts!


  1. This. Was. Awesome!!! What a cool idea. I picture them all stuffed into a drab, gray conference room with fluorescent lighting.

    You're gonna knock 'em dead! I do hope, though, that the dream/sleep sequence for Mom was fictional! All those nightmares and lying awake and you don't even get to dream about Mark Wahlberg? Unfair! :)

    1. That is how I picture them too!

      It went over like gang-busters! Laughs a' plenty! Sadly, I would like to say that it was fiction, but my nights are typically like that. However, I doubt yours are much better, Ms. Pregnant!