Saturday, June 9, 2012

Awkward Mom vs. Stairs

Now, just so you know, some villains are just villains; annoying but easily defeated. This is not that kind of villain. This is a tale of a Villain.

I am packing because we are moving in 2 weeks, and, in classic awkward fashion, we are going to be out of town next weekend. It is a sea of boxes (thanks again Wonderful Mom!) and toys and tape and chaos over here. I seriously think the boys just packed the baby, so I don't have long. But I just have to tell you about the Villain (oh yes, no joke, capital V) that I have been dealing with for over a year and am about to jettison from my rouges gallery forever! The Stairs.

Yes, they are always creepy and dark; they are Villain Stairs.

We live on the third floor, so, for all you math whizzes out there, how many flights of stairs is that? Three! That is right; the Count would be so proud of you. Now, I believe I have mentioned what a tricky villain three can be, so just picture the amount of damage three can do, when in stair form. In and of itself, three flights of stairs are pretty easily defeatable, but when are superhero moms ever in and of themselves?

Here is the trick to understanding what I am talking about: picture me as an action figure or Barbie doll. OK. Stop laughing. Are you OK? Need some water or something? That's better. With me now? OK, so, let's say that the everyday version Awkward Mom (who comes standard in a pair of jeans, stained t-shirt, and tennis shoes) battles the stairs solo, like when getting the mail or something. She would bound down and up the stairs, no problem. Picture it? Good.

Now, let's add some accessories, shall we?

Laundry version Awkward Mom comes in standard attire, with a laundry basket with hole, trailing socks from said hole, giant pile of onesies and toddler jeans, and bottle of laundry detergent (with fun feature of always being left upstairs mysteriously). This version of Awkward Mom also has huffing, puffing, and screaming up the stairs to "stop messing with the door!" sound effects.

School-day version Awkward Mom comes in standard attire with half-awake eyes, sloshing can of diet Pepsi, baby action figure*, toddler action figure*, preschooler action figure*, bag of carefully selected and nutritious looking snacks for school, Preschooler's show and tell item, and a 500 pound diaper bag, which contains, in no particular order, 4 different changes of children's clothes in 3 different sizes, Ziploc bags, 6 diapers, chapstick, sunscreen, bag of unhealthy snacks the children really eat, hand sanitizer, 3 toy cars, the Lorax (the book, not the actual guy), a Baby Bjorn, jar of peanuts, 2 child-sized sunglasses, cell phone, container of wipes, bandaids, wallet, and spare pair of earrings. This version of Awkward Mom has huffing and puffing action, plus 10 different vocal phrases, including: "Come on; we're late!" "Why didn't you go before we left the apartment?" "Leave that ant alone!" "Go down backwards; you don't want to break your neck!" and "For the love of all that is holy, will you please hurry up!"

*Baby, Toddler, and Preschooler action figure sold separately, for a million dollars and priceless amounts of worry and love.

Park version Awkward Mom comes in standard attire with school version's diaper bag, plus a gigantic and unattractive sunhat, 3 bottles of water, 2 kites, a jug of bubble solution, and 4 new phrases, which are: "OK, new rule; everyone has to carry their own stuff!" "Well, the baby is exempt from that rule." "I don't care if you think that is unfair." and "Super Toddler, if you don't come down the stairs this instant, we are leaving without you!"

Pool version Awkward Mom self-consciously wears a baggy pregnancy swimsuit from last summer with a worn sundress and flip-flops with a hole in them. She is already sweating and covered in a sunscreen sheen, and her hair is exploding out of her ponytail. She carries the pool bag, which contains, in no particular order: 3 extra swim diapers, Ziploc bags, 3 dry children's outfits in 3 different sizes, 6 diapers, sunscreen, strawberries, water bottle, pool pass, hand sanitizer, hand lotion, bandaids, bug spray, animal crackers, a toy shovel, 2 smashed granola bars, 4 towels, eyeglass container, cell phone, wallet, and container of wipes. She has extreme huffing and puffing action, yelling action, and 3 new phrases, which are: "Super Toddler, I am not kidding, get down the stairs, right now!" "Because Mommy isn't the kind of Mommy who wears a bikini, that is why." and "Are you guys sure you wouldn't rather take a long bath instead?"

Readers, I gotta go, these boxes aren't going to pack themselves, and it appears, that while we were hanging out, some of them actually unpacked themselves, with a little toddler help. Better motor, but make sure you watch out for the Stairs. He is a Villain with a capital V, for sure.

Awkward Mom will be all finished with the Stairs in less than 20 days, but someone needs to tell her that she might want to think about adding some exercise into her routine, as a result. The Stairs are about all that she is getting these days and, if you have ever seen the woman eat, you would know that she is gonna be dealing with a different Villain altogether, if she doesn't figure something out. Oh well, we'll deal with that soon enough. See ya later: Same Awkward Time, Same Awkward Channel.


  1. I hope your new place has less amount of stairs :) We have quite a bit of stairs in our house with the laundry in the basement but I consider them my daily exercise :)

    1. We are moving to a house, at long last! And it does not have stairs to get into it. Stairs to the basement for laundry I think I can handle and will steal your idea and think of them as my daily exercise! :)

  2. GUFFAW! We cleaned out my car this weekend and I think we found just about everything that comes with Pool-Fun Awkward Mom and School-Time Awkward Mom, plus about an inch of Cheerio debris and little bits of hardened cheese sticks. Gross.

    Once again, I'm in bewildered awe of you. Not only do you have three (THREE!) darling kiddos, you find the energy to take them on fun excursions to the zoo and the Henry Ford Museum AND find 10 minutes here and there to blog. I had no idea you were doing all that while going up and down THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. Wheeze. I need to sit down just thinking about it. You go, Awkward Mom! And I'm so happy you're moving someplace relatively stair-less!

    1. YOu are way too sweet!

      And yes, hardened cheese sticks.....gross.