Monday, December 3, 2012

Awkward Mom vs. Christmas photo shoots

Awkward Mom truly walks with the greats; in the superhero tradition of arrogance and shortsightedness, that is. Superman never seems to figure out that Lex Luther has a seemingly endless supply of kryptonite, and Batman continues to forget the the Joker will always have a bomb somewhere on his person. I am assuming in his pants; seriously, those things are big enough to snuggle some states in. This shortsightedness on Batman's part means he is on Robin number 34 or something, and you would think that Superman would have lined his cape in lead by now. But no, of course not. Even Luke Skywalker decided that he could take down the Death Star with some knowledge of womp rats and the voice of a dead Jedi. The Death Star. That thing is the size of a moon and capable of destroying a planet with one single destructive energy beam. The fact that he actually took down the Death Star changes nothing, except maybe to increase the already infinite coolness of Han Solo. No, it is still arrogance itself to take on something like that. Awkward Mom knows this, and she is still taking on a psychotic moon-sized gun bathed in radioactive matter from destroyed planets. In the form of Christmas photos at Sears. She never learns.

We are doing pictures at Sears, yet again. If you are new here and don't know how awkward I truly am, Here is what happened last time I documented our pictures at Sears. Oh, and here. It was so awkward that it needed 2 posts. And this is just the last time I documented it; there have been other times since, including the now infamous Church Photo Shoot. I think I need to side with the voodooists and just concede that cameras steal souls. Especially the easy to twist souls of the under 5 set.

And before you ask, no, these are not photos with Santa. My children are still a little leery of Santa. They are cool with the idea of a huge elf breaking into their home at night and leaving action figures and candy in socks that we nailed on the wall. But actually seeing the man, in the beard, as it were? No, that is terrifying to them. They might wave at him from across the safety of the mall, but that is about as close as they are willing to get. The one and only time that we made them take a picture with Santa, it looked like a hostage situation:

Don't really need to say anything else here, right?

No, our Sears photos are prop-less for the most part. Sometimes we get a big number or some toy blocks, but usually the beauty of the children are all we need. I think the reality is that the Sears staff don't want to give my beautiful children any potential projectiles.

Now, I am not going to clutter up this post with my words. None are really needed, as you will see in a moment. Just a tiny bit of back story here: Super Baby had the cold this year (one always has a cold), and she refused any picture that Awkward Dad wasn't in. Awkward Dad was not informed that he would be posing until 2 seconds before he is posed. We have no idea what Super Toddler injured his forehead on; it mysteriously appeared the night before as if by magic. Evil magic. Super Preschooler is going through a "why take a nice picture when I can stick my tongue out and ruin everything instead" phase. The Sears photographers are saints, and next year I am wrapping myself in lead, teaming up with murderous clowns and womp rats, and attacking armed moons instead.

The "Oh maybe this won't be so bad" pose to trick Mommy.

The "Nope, this will be exactly as awful as you expect" pose.

Combo "Oh the camera is over there?" and "Why didn't we bring a comb?"

The "I'm flying" pose. Would be cute expect he lost balance and fell into the backdrop directly after this.

The "Why don't you just tattoo: I have a negligent mother on your face and get it over with?" pose, complete with windburned cheeks.

The "we are just totally messing with you" poses:

Now for some crabby baby poses:
Crabby baby on a sled.
Crabby baby with some blocks.

Crabby baby with a crabby Daddy.

Happy baby with a Daddy plotting his revenge on Mommy.
And now, proof that Super Toddler is headed for a life of crime:

There are more, but you get it. Professional photos are Awkward Mom's kryptonite; she knows it is bad for her and yet she can't stop. She keeps thinking that it is gemstone kryptonite, which (because comics are so wonderfully weird) has the ability to make others want to fulfill your wishes. But no, professional photos are straight-up green kryptonite. Expect when they do this:

Turns out that the photographers at Sears do have some gemstone kryptonite after all.



  1. Oh you are too funny. And your kids (and husband) are too precious for words. Keep up the blogs. They are the highlights of my day. Cat Lovin' Grandma

    1. Look at this lady! Only had a functioning computer for a week and she is commenting on blogs and whatnot.... :)


  2. So incredibly awesome! As always, I love the outtakes! But those last three are just priceless. Nice job, Sears, and nice job, Awkward Family! Having done the "Picture People" thing myself with Katie at age 14 months, I know what a miracle it is to get through a photo shoot with sanity intact. That's probably why we haven't been back since! :)

    1. I am not sure that my sanity is intact.... :) But thanks, I can't quit Sears photos, try though I might.

  3. These turned out so cute! You should see the last picture we got with Santa...And that's only with our 6-year old. The 2-year old starts screaming bloody murder when we get closer than 3 feet to a white-beard man. I gave up on professional pictures until kids are closer to their teenage years...

    1. Of course, in their teenaged years a whole new set of faces start to appear like the "eye-roll" and the "blank stare." Oh, more fun!