Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Awkward Mom vs. Stuff they didn't tell me (Vol. 2)

It is time, once again, for a list of random stuff that I was not told at the baby shower. I swear to you, more experienced moms think it is funny to keep this stuff from new moms. Don't be that mom, sitting on information that could potentially bail another mom out. Be a help, not a hindrance. Or at least make sure she is aware that one day, despite all efforts, her child will discover chicken nuggets, "oh, thank goodness, it's just pee" will enter her lexicon, and that she should start buying stock in chocolate while her lovely bundle of baby is still in the womb; you know, just the basics. If you want to review the other stuff I wasn't told, check it out here

1. They poop all the time, and I am not just talking about the babies. Those are actually the easy poops, as hard as that is to imagine at the time. Once potty training hits, it gets even crazier and you will be convinced that they poop all the time. Plus, they will always get the urge when you are at the zoo and have no idea where the nearest bathroom is. 10 to 1 that this will be a ground-hogging situation. (Oh, God bless the urban dictionary.....keeps me young.)

2. If your child likes dolls, he or she will most likely find the ugliest, scariest, most frightening doll in creation to fall in love with. You will have no idea if it is a boy or a girl, unless you are one of those super progressive parents who insists on an anatomically correct doll but then your child will probably insist that it is the opposite gender just to mess with you. This doll will very rarely be dressed and usually carried around by a leg, which you will get used to but visiting adults will not, so prepare to explain early child development often or get used to hiding the thing. It will probably talk when squeezed or something incredibly weird. Enjoy the nightmare of having to tuck this thing in with your child every night.

3. You child will go from eating everything in sight to seemingly subsisting on air. This will happen randomly and without warning. When you are begging them to please, just eat some cake, call the doctor or your mother. You've gone round the bend. They will tell you that it is perfectly normal and as long as your children aren't losing weight, they are fine. But you'll believe it more coming from them, so make sure to call.

4. Stop buying toys that talk. I have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. I know they are flashy. I know your children beg for them. I know some claim to be educational. You are only hurting yourself and you are going to hurt the toy when the batteries start to die and it freaks you out by randomly going off in the middle of the night. Trust me.

5. Get some Magic Clean Erasers. You are gonna need them. If you want to make them, knock your crafty self out. Look! There is even a thrifty Pinterest-approved version!

6. A word about Pinterest; if you are crafty and become a crafty mom, you are gonna love Pinterest. Or whatever crafty-comparison-clique replaces it someday. Embrace it; that is what the internet was made for. (Well, that and porn.) But if you aren't crafty and don't want to be a crafty mom, do not despair! Head on over here and laugh with the rest of us non-crafty folk. Making fun of stuff is what the internet was made for. (Well, that and porn.)

7. Do not worry if you don't have an Elf on the Shelf. It is not required, despite what about half of your mom friends are gonna tell you. God bless you if you don't know what a shelf elf is. Something not right with those eyes.......

P.S. No judging if you fall in love with the idea of a Santa Spy and delight in the antics, but if you give me one, I am totally re-gifting it. Fair warning.

8. You will have to understand stuff like this:
Me: Wait. So, Jabba the Hutt has children with him?
Super Preschooler: Yes.
Me: Like Hutt children?
Super Preschooler: No, regular children.
Me: Did he steal them?
Super Preschooler: No! They are on the bus.
Me: The bus?
Super Preschooler: Yes, Jabba drives it. He is good now.
Me: Oh, I see. But wait, how does he drive it?
Super Preschooler: With his arms. He has arms, Mom.
Me: OK, but what about the break and stuff?
Super Preschooler: That is what his tail is for.
Me: And he got on the bus how?
Super Preschooler: He moves sometimes. Haven't you seen the movies?

You won't have any hope of understanding stuff like this, so just pretend. And no laughing because pretend play is serious business when you are 3.

9. You probably won't like Elmo. And if you do like Elmo, you probably won't like Jake and the Pirates. And if you do like Jake, then you probably won't like Bob the Builder. And if you do like Bob, there will be someone new to dislike. Or there is always Barney. Whichever one you don't like, your child will adore. Guaranteed. It stinks, but it gets you ready for the teenage rebellions to come. Think of it as practice.

10. They will figure out how to undo those car seats. It will happen way before you are ready.

11. Most stuff is gonna happen way before you are ready, so take a lot of pictures.

12. Especially the embarrassing bath ones that they are gonna hate you for someday. 
Can't put a price on embarrassing your kids. 
Obviously, don't put any butt ones on the internet, 
but keep those for when you meet their future spouses. 

Share this list (and any homegrown wisdom you have grown yourself) with the new ones. Come on now, don't let your sisters take fruit snacks to the park playdate and fall victim to the crunchy moms. Be helpful out there; it's a jungle of judgment! 


  1. I love number 11. It's my creed that I have lived by for years and am still living by. And 12 of course

    1. If this is you, Mom, and I am pretty sure it is, then yes, you are quite skilled at 11 and 12.......quite skilled.

  2. This picture is amazing. It is making me think I will steal some of andrew's bubble bath and add it next time. these are also really good tips. One of my cousins pointed out that your kids won't understand, "snitches get stitches" if you get them an elf on the shelf that is supposedly ratting them out to santa all the time. -Catherine P

    1. Tell Andrew to stop hogging the bubble bath! And yes, I am sure a snitching elf isn't the best role model.....that is why one does NOT live here. :)