Monday, May 5, 2014

Awkward Mom vs. Sanitation

Dearest Readers, there are just a million ways we could go with this one. Does she mean the state of her house? Is she talking about hand sanitizer and the fact that Super Toddler drank some last week? Does she mean her ongoing battle with the trash collectors and their insistence that she not put the can under the tree branches? The tree branches that cover the entire front of the house, rendering no space in front of the house not under said branches? Turns out that she doesn't mean any of those things.  

So, I often sanitize my tales. I don't add things, but I sometimes leave things out. I think we all do this from time to time; tell the fact that out child blew out a diaper, but fail to mention that we forgot to check said diaper for 5 hours, pre-explosion. Admit to Netflix, but leave out that the baby starts operating it himself around hour 3. Giggle about one's lack of meal prowess and gloss over the complete and total lack of a meal; unless a bag of grapes that Super Toddler got herself counts. It is natural to want to be seen in the most flattering light possible. Heck, movie stars used to have clauses in their contracts about what side of their faces you could film. I'm not that picky; I'll show you my awkward, just not my ugly.

Well, today you get to see it all.....get your mind out of the gutter! And if your mind wasn't in the gutter, no, I won't explain it to you! Stay with me, people. I had an experience today and then shared it with my church small group. I shared it totally unfiltered; it was like a photo taken in full-sun. And did these moral and upright women judge me, as they very easily could have and maybe should have? No. They laughed. As I hope you laugh......

OK, here's what happened. We hosted our annual Star Wars party yesterday; it was awesome, but that isn't my story. Because we were getting ready for our party, we didn't go to church. That is a horrible reason to not go to church. It really isn't a reason. I am sure we could have still gone, but we didn't. We were buying beer in order to celebrate Wookies. Literally everyone else who was at our party went to church. And not just like any ol' church. They all go to our church. So, they all come over here after church and tell us that Super Kindergartener's picture is hanging in the back of the church. It is Catholic school's week or maybe not, it's something about the school week, which I would know for sure if I had actually gone to church, but whatever it is, it results in Super K's picture being in the back of the church.

So, today, on my way into the usher's room to pick up the keys for our small group, I decide to check out this picture of Super K. This is a terrible idea. I have to go into the back of the church to get to the usher's room and that is bad enough, given that the children scatter into church the moment we walk in, their squeaking shoes sounding like a tribe of giants that sends every prayerful head spinning our direction. Well, there was no one in there today, so I thought, what the heck, I can risk it. "No, Awkward Mom, never risk it;" I can hear you shouting from here. You are correct.

So, I get the keys and start wandering around; turns out there are several bulletin boards with many pictures, so I have to hunt. Super Toddler picks this moment to reach into the baptismal font like she is spear fishing. Super Preschooler is talking to Invisible Grandpa about some stained glass; are imaginary friends allowed in church? I suppose you can't really stop that anyway, but how is Super Preschooler gonna tell the difference if he turns out to be a saint and has a vision? Oh well, that's a worry for another time. And probably another child. Super Kindergartener is checking out pictures of all his friends. He knows where all the pictures are because he actually went to church this week.

OK, then everything happens at once. Super Kindergartener starts running toward me, at the exact moment that Super Preschooler decides to show Invisible Grandpa the stained glass on the other side of the church, which is right when Super Toddler spins away from the baptismal font into the path of both of them. They collide, and, probably because she is slippery from her "dive," Super Toddler falls and skipping-stones it about the length of a whole pew, coming to a rest right in front of the doors. She starts screaming, but it isn't her "in-pain" screaming. It's her "I-hate-my-brothers-they-suck" screaming, so I make the decision to keep looking for the picture. My goal was to hurry up, see it, and get out. This was why I was half way across the church when the priest opened the door and walked over my daughter's prone, screaming form, as he gave some other priest a tour of the church.

My sons quickly read the situation and escaped downstairs. I hurried over, which is no mean feat when you are carrying a portable car seat, diaper bag, a bulletin, and some keys. I leaned over and pulled Super Toddler to standing. She looked up, read the situation, and went the way of her brothers, leaving me to explain that "see; she's OK. We're all fine." I am not quite sure if their skeptical looks were more about my mental health being at all "fine" or the possibility of demon possession in one so young. I blushed and started to feel really hot, so I fanned myself with the bulletin. The bulletin in my hand that was screaming to them my failure to attend church yesterday and get one then. It was at that point that I finally read the situation and escaped downstairs.

Never did get to see that picture of Super Kindergartener......

"Don't worry, Super Baby. Awkwardness is like a recessive gene. 
You are way more likely to be chic and suave, just like me."

P.S. Awesome Dad isn't awkward. And he actually goes to church (you know, when you are supposed to, not on random Mondays). He got this shot of the Super Kindergartener picture for us all to enjoy! Thanks Awesome Dad!

Happy Catholic School's week!  
Or whatever is going on at our church.....


  1. OH dear. At least you made it to her before the priest had to bend down and pick her up and comfort her. Because then you would have been stuck there longer as he gave her blessings and stuff. - Catherine

    1. That is such a good point! And she would need a ton, so I should count my blessings that we got out of there as quick as we did!

  2. We're Catholic. It's official policy that they want us to have babies. Babies, which are certainly not quiet, and which have this annoying habit of turning into screaming toddlers. This scene comes with the territory.

    1. Solid points! Thanks for the read!