Monday, January 10, 2011

Awkward Mom vs Last Night

In an unprecedented feat, Awkward Mom has both boys in bed (baths, teeth brushed, wearing pjs-like clothing) at a semi-decent hour. What on earth could go wrong? I know that you know, but let's let her tell it anyway, shall we?

9:03pm - I celebrate the miracle of sleeping children by meeting up with Netflix for our regular Awkward-Dad-is-on-overnight-call date.

9:10pm - Having been lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of Harvey Keitel and exploding mailboxes (bonus points to anyone who knows what I am watching), I rouse enough to turn off the TV and meander to the bedroom. Fall into the bed, fully clothed, with my glasses on.

10:30pm - The complete lack of noise from the nursery wakes me up. (It may also have something to do with my glasses cutting into the bridge of my nose.) I wander in there to find Super Toddler backwards on the bed and the blanket covering Elmo and a stuffed shark. I tuck him in with them and turn my attention to Super Baby, who is sound asleep on top of 3 bears and Cookie Monster, with his face mashed into the bars of the crib. I gently push him over and extract the stuffed lovies with painfully slow maneuvers. It is like playing a rather squishy version of Operation in the dark. I succeed though, and reward myself by changing into pajamas and going back to sleep in the middle of the bed with all the pillows. I suppose there are some good things about Awkward Dad's call schedule.

10:36pm - I wake up from a rather lovely dream about Mark Wahlberg to hear a piercing scream via the monitor. This is a there-is-an-intruder-in-here scream, so I leap out of bed and grab the first weapon-like object I can find. Thus armed with a cat toy feather-on-a-stick, I race into the nursery. Super Toddler is sound asleep, again backwards and blanket-less. Super Baby is sitting up in the bed, screaming and banging poor Cookie Monster against the bars of the crib like some lifer at Alcatraz. I coo at him but all he does is hurl Cookie Monster at my head. So, I lean in and pick him up. I walk around with him for awhile, which reduces the screaming and starts the random laughing and grabs at my hair.

10:39pm - Super Baby and I make a bottle and say hello to Netflix. Super Baby halfheartedly eats said bottle, chews on the remote, and waves at Harvey Keitel. I, balancing the bottle with my chin, fade in and out of consciousness.

12:13am - Super Baby and I sleep in the glow of Netflix. A spasm in my neck and the soft thud of the empty bottle hitting the floor wake me up. I slowly ease myself into a standing position and carry Super Baby back to his crib. I gingerly lay him down and back away like I have just defused a bomb. He immediately rolls over and crams his face into the bars, but this time I just let it be. I curl back into bed, willing Mark Wahlberg to be in my dreams and not Harvey Keitel. OK, I will take 1970s Harvey Keitel but please please no Bad Lieutenant Harvey Keitel.

12:57am - Super Toddler starts yelling from the nursery. I go in to find him sitting upright in bed, poofing with all his might. I pull him into a hug and listen to a rambling retelling of his "storm." All Super Toddler bad dreams are called storms. I guess this one involved a lot of thunder and some witches. Once told, it seems to lose its power and he falls back asleep. I tiptoe out of the room and lie awake in bed for awhile, thinking about witches.

1:36am - I roll over and realize that student loan repayment paperwork is due tomorrow; worry about this for an hour.

2:37am - Screams from the nursery wake me out of Mark Wahlberg's arms, and I go in to find Super Baby sitting upright and clutching at his mouth. Wasting no time, I rummage through the medicine cabinet for Children's Tylenol (no judging) and administer the right dose. I really really hope it is the right dose. I hold Super Baby in my arms while sitting on the bed, until he falls back asleep. I take him back to his crib.

2:56am - Wake up in bed, holding Super Baby; realize that I dreamt the part about taking him back to his crib. Try to remember something about that article about co-sleeping. Fail.

3:01am - Am having an interesting dream about swimming in a beautiful underwater grotto with Mark Wahlberg. Wake to discover that Super Baby has peed on me. Make a face. Fall back asleep.

3:28am - Finally work up the energy to get up and change Super Baby. Place him in his crib and change into some dirty scrubs of Awkward Dad's.

3:54am - I feel someone staring at me. I jolt awake to see Super Toddler standing at the side of the bed, dragging his Elmo by the leg. I don't even ask. I pull aside the covers and he pops in.

4:13am - Super Baby cries. I get up and walk into the wall next to the nursery door. After a few disorienting moments, I locate Super Baby by sonar. Guess we have a family bed now.

5:18am - Am kicked by Super Baby.

5:25am - Am kicked by Super Baby.

5:34am - Am hit in the face by Super Baby.

5:38am - Am kicked by Super Baby.

5:45am - Super Toddler kicks Super Baby, who cries and kicks me.

6:00am - Am kicked by Super Baby and evacuate the bed. After safely tucking them in, turn off the monitor and fall into the bed.

6:12am - Wake up from a nightmare about Harvey Keitel stealing the Super Boys. Turn the monitor back on.

6:18am - Lie there, staring at the ceiling.

6:20am - Give up and go into the nursery to make sure they are breathing. Watch them sleep for awhile.

6:30am - Realize that I am dozing on the nursery floor, using a dress-up dress as a pillow. Return to bed.

7:30am - An energetic Super Toddler wakes me up with kisses. I try to go back to sleep but he informs me that "the spell doesn't work that way."

7:32am - Change Super Toddler's diaper, while he sings the Wheels on the Bus. This wakes Super Baby.

7:36am - Change Super Baby's diaper. Put it on backwards.

7:40am - Do some semblance of breakfast; it may involve cookies. I'm not telling.

8:01am - Put Super Baby in his bouncer. Put Barney on the TV. Fall onto the couch and drift back to the underwater grotto.

8:20am - Baby Bop shows up at the underwater grotto and wants to know if I'm happy and if I know it. Freak out.

8:22am - Wake up for real. Calculate how long until Awkward Dad will be home. Cry a little.

8:24am - Calculate how long until they go to college. Cry some more.

8:26am - Watch Super Toddler help Super Baby clap along to the music. Stop crying and even smile a little.

8:30am - Watch Super Toddler knock Super Baby upside the head. Sigh and get up for real.

Good Morning, Awkward Mom!

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