Awkward Mom vs. Dumb Lists on Facebook

Sass phasers set to kill.

If I see one more "20 things to teach your son" or "73 things to teach your daughter" or "23284 ways to waste brain cells reading this dumb banal list of crap" pop up on my Facebook newsfeed, I am going to hurl a brick through my computer screen. OK. Not really. Because I need that computer screen to look at pictures of cats. Maybe I should find whichever friend of mine posted it and hurl a brick through their computer screen. Or better yet, whoever decided to write this mess. Yes, that sounds good.

Are my pregnancy hormones acting up? Why do you ask? Do I sound a little angrier than usual, Readers? Maybe I am. The thing is, I thought we settled this when I wrote my post about those ridiculous "rules for dating my daughter" posts that were popping up everywhere. And now we have stuff like this:

"2. You will set the tone for the sexual relationship,so don't take something away from her that you can't give back.
9. Treat women kindly.Forever is a long time to live alone and it's even longer to live with somebody who hates your guts.
12. A woman can do everything that you can do.This includes her having a successful career and you changing diapers at 3 A.M. Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.
16. Bringing her flowers for no reason is always a good idea.
19. Please choose your spouse wisely.My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me spending time with you and my grandchildren.
20. Remember to call your mother because I might be missing you."

There are 20 of these, most of them about your son's future wife. #2 seems to be saying "don't rape anyone" and #12 seems a little rude, like "don't be a sexist." Why are you assuming that your son is a potential sexist rapist? And why do you have to like his future spouse? (which might not be a woman, by the way. It is 2013.) Maybe he doesn't want to marry at all. Maybe he and his future wife/husband don't want to have kids. Your list sounds a little selfish to me. The 20 things to teach your daughter (which I am too angry to go look at right now) all have to do with not wearing booty shorts and picking a man who isn't a jerk. So, again, all about sex and her future heterosexual spouse.

No one who I have seen post this has a child over 10. Why are you thinking about these things? I am trying to figure out potty training and making food other than Mac and Cheese for dinner. Ugh! I am so mad about this that the font in this post has changed 3 times and I don't even care to fix it. (My OCD kicked in and I did go back and fix it; your eyes work just fine.)

Here is my 5 things you need to teach your child, who is under the age of 10 and should not be thinking about sex and marriage and making you grandkids. 20 is too many things for anyone to remember anyway.

1. Don't pick your nose in public. If you do it in private (like everyone does and says they don't), just make sure to dispose of the boogers properly. Don't eat.

2. Be kind to all people. It's the right thing to do, plus no one likes a jerk.

3. Learn how to share. There are 7 billion people in the world and we need this stuff to last.

4. Look both ways before crossing the street. Even a one-way street. Sometimes adults do dumb things when they get in cars.

5. I LOVE YOU.

I am buying some bricks. You know who you are. Stop it.

Bonus thing: Hug animals daily, if possible.