If one more park helicopter mom finds my child by the monkey bars and starts shouting: "Whose child is this? Is this your child?" while frantically looking around but mostly looking in my direction because it is pretty damn obvious whose child it is and most of this is for effect and to prove what a superior mother she is (consciously or not), the gloves are coming off. I am gonna calmly walk over to her, tell Super Whoever to go play by the swings, and ask to see her mom credentials. If they check out, this is what I am going to say:
Yes, she is mine, and I can tell you her movements in intimate detail from the moment we arrived here until the moment when she was supposedly lost and then found by you. What is wrong with you? Are you that bored that you have to follow your child around the park, whilst monitoring all the rest of the children for errant mothers. Do you not know that you are a mom? Do you not know that the park is full of moms? Moms that want to be friends with you. Moms that want to help you relax and enjoy this village that could be helping you raise your child. You don't have to do it all; let us help you. Join us. We are impressed by your natural abilities and want you on our team, not fighting against us. You have untapped gossip abilities that rival the Enquirer, and we have all just witnessed your stunning ability to passively aggressively judge people in public. Come and use these skills for good for once. Come and gossip with us by the bench. Utilize your mom skills; you follow in the proud tradition of a billion multitaskers. You can tie shoes, open bananas, and nurse babies all at once. You can scan the park for kidnappers and flashers while wiping a runny nose, changing a diaper, and telling us this juicy tidbit you heard about Perfect Mom. For goodness sake, you are a MOM. You have radar. You have the reflexes of a cat. You have the peripheral vision of James Bond. Use your natural skills. Stop thinking little Helicopter Toddler has to be 2 feet from you at any given moment. Think about what you are doing to his park cred. He doesn't want to be the only toddler who can't slide down the slide solo. He wants to fall down occasionally. He wants to try the ladder himself. He wants a scab or 2 to improve his chances of looking tough. He doesn't want his mom shadowing his every move. He is much more capable than you give him credit for, but he is never going to know this if you never let him test his capabilities. Think of him, and stop trailing him all over the place. Sit down. Relax. Land the helicopter and just let your mom skills do the heavy lifting. YOU ARE A MOM; ACT LIKE IT!
Thank you. Now, what was this juicy thing you heard about Perfect Mom?
As if I am not going to turn into an Olympic sprinter
the second real danger breathes near her.