(I told her that you would prefer chocolate, but that one never listens.)
1. Ill-fitting jorts.
2. The decision to create jorts for the children out of old jeans because it seems easier than doing laundry.
3. Conversations about the infant trifecta at baby showers. Come on, let the woman go through labor first.
4. Any birth and labor stories outside of a baby shower.
5. When you are sitting in your car at the school pickup and you think that mom is coming over to talk to you so you roll down the window, but she keeps walking to talk to the mom in the car behind you.
6. Lace beach-coverups.
7. Vacuuming playdough off the dining room table when the FedEx man shows up at the screen door.
8. Forgetting the no-peanut rule with your Halloween candy contribution.
9. Not having any cash when your neighbor sets up a lemonade stand.
10. Trying to tie a jaunty scarf for a fall trip to the park and choking oneself.
11. Matching your baby to the couch.
12. When the baby learns to roll and gets tangled in the vacuum cord that you forgot to wind up.
13. 4-year-olds who tell the visiting nurse how to play Plants vs. Zombies.
14. Anyone who wears leggings like they are actual pants.
15. That moment when you know the park helicopter mom is looking all over the park for you and hovering near your child, who is scaling the slide, and you step behind a tree.
16. Any first meeting with a new playgroup.
17. Playgroups that require nametags.
18. Accidentally running into that one playgroup (the one you joined out of peer pressure, secretly hate, and haven't been to in months) at the park and them thinking you have returned.
19. Most playgroups in general.
20. Not having any idea what to say to moms who wipe down your toys with sanitizing wipes before giving them to their children.
21. Melted freezie-pops that somehow made it under the couch.
22. Getting Jesus and St. Francis confused while monitoring the church nursery.
23. Sears photo shoots
24. Mother's Day cards that indicate your child thinks you are 1000 years old.
25. That third day in a row of Mac and Cheese.
26. Being asked to bring the jello to a party. (and no, I don't mean shots.)
27. Leaving that diaper so long that your oldest takes it into his head to spray the baby with Fabreze.
28. Deciding to host a party in July and then remembering that you don't have central air.
29. Wearing the holey socks to open gym.
30. Answering rude park moms requests of "how old?" with your own age.
31. Doing #30 in months.
32. Letting your children hold a revival, or maybe an informercial, on your bed.
33. Going to the pool in the rain; what they heck, we're wet anyway.
34. Making X-men references to moms at the park who have no idea what you are talking about.
35. Not making #34 any better by saying "Oh, well, it's kinda like in Star Trek....."
36. Any decision that results in a trip to an arcade.
37. The realization that you aren't even breaking a sweat yet. Your entire life could be on this list.
38. Having Perfect Mom point out the spit-up on your shirt that, judging from the dried consistency, has been there all day.
39. Having to go in the ball pit because every threat you have tried isn't working.
40. Having to explain the nerd reference on your baby's onesie. At church.
41. Setting your party's beer cooler up in the Radio Flyer.
42. Getting ready to leave and forgetting something. Every. Single. Time.
43. Children that drink the holy water in front of the priest.
44. Getting out of a weird discussion with a mega crunchy mom in the produce section of Whole Foods about nanoparticles by asking her if those are anything like midichlorians.
45. Slamming every fun summer thing into that last week of August in a total panic.
46. Wearing a skirt only to have your son announce that "it's weird to actually see your legs."
47. Walking into glass doors.
48. Thinking that a cough was really a sneeze and blessing the cougher.
49. Getting caught eating candy on the sly in the pantry.
50. That pretty much all photos of your family look like this:
Check out Awkward Mom's Facebook page, Readers! Maybe even give it a like. Only 2 more to go and then she'll gift you with 50 more awkward things. (I told her that might be more of a deterrent, but, seriously, that one never listens.)
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