1. Perpetual Pinterest Fails.
2. Always going to the zoo when the animals are at their randiest; causing you to start incoherent explanations of "special zebra hugs" that some smart-aleck kid, probably your own, will correct with, "She means sex."
3. Accidentally doing the snorty laugh when meeting new colleagues of your spouse.
4. Bra shopping with 2-year-olds.
5. Most culinary adventures looking like this:
6. Fanny-packs. (not the ultra-ironic hipster ones)
7. Practicing the pronunciation of quinoa over and over in your head before that playdate at Crunchy Mom's house.
8. That Legos sometimes fall out of the folds of your clothes.
9. Creating Christmas Cards.
11. Constantly getting locked out of your own house and having to slip into whatever pretend play is going on just to get the children to pay attention to your plight; "No, I will not go to Watto's shop to buy parts for your ship! Open the door!!" being rather memorable.
12. Getting caught eating a quick car-donut before the Mommy and Me class.
13. Having Perfect Mom point out that sprinkles, from your car-donut, are on your cheek. She'll do this at the beginning of Circle Time from across the rug, just so everyone is paying attention.
14. When Perfect Mom refers to your parenting approach as "free range." Crunchy Mom might mean that as a compliment, but I don't think that is what is going on here.
15. When Perfect Mom calls your outfit "brave."
16. Pretty much all interactions with Perfect Mom.
17. Getting yelled at by the garbage man for putting the cans the wrong way.
18. Getting yelled at again by the garbage man when you are fixing the cans and your son tries to climb into the garbage truck.
19. That one time you called it "Downtown Abbey."
20. Trying to tell a queen that she should behave like a princess. (This is not only awkward, it doesn't work. Ever.)
21. Explaining to the new ballet teacher that yes, you know the class is called Ballerinas to Be and yes, your sons are in the right place.
22. Trying to explain T-ball age limits to the next Randy Johnson.
23. Being the reason the teacher has to send out a class-wide memo.
24. Not knowing what to say to teenagers who refer to your look as "retro."
25. Causing Mr. Mom-level disruptions at school pick-up because you just can't figure out the drawing they gave you at orientation.
26. Going for the handshake when your new friend goes for the hug, so you end up poking her in the belly.
27. When trying on clothes, dancing around a little, just to make sure this option can handle all that you have going on. Bonus points if you get so into it that your hip thrusts pop the door open right into an unsuspecting fellow shopper.
28. Totally pretending to know about some new parenting thing Perfect Mom is going on and on about, while making a mental note to look it up on Baby Center when you get home.
29. Teaching your toddler how to work the Netflix remote so you can make dinner in peace and then acting like she just figured that out herself when your spouse asks you about it.
30. Floor naps.
31. When you are raving and raving about how wonderful your electric baby swing is to a huge baby-wearer and she starts making disapproving faces but you can't seem to stop talking even though you know you are making it worse.
32. Taking healthy snack options to the park, but promising the children ice cream on the way home if they behave and don't go in the sand.
33. Trying to explain to your fashion-loving 6-year-old that clear 4-inch platform stripper shoes are not Cinderella's.
34. When you forget the sunscreen so you try to create a shadow on your child, and they are sure to stay in your shadow because no child ever moves, right?
35. Comparing growth percentiles with other moms. There can be only one 99% for height, ladies, and it's probably Perfect Toddler.
36. Potty training anywhere but your house.
37. Let's be honest, potty training in your house as well. Pee and poo are gross and totally awkward.
38. Looking in the rear-view mirror and seeing this:
39. Seeing #38 and realizing that you don't have any wipes.
40. Routinely attending non-parenting events wearing Disney Princess dress-up jewelry.
41. Not having any idea when stuff is supposed to happen because you let your children color all over the milestone hand-outs the doctor gives you.
42. Apologizing before every single hair appointment; "I meant to come sooner, but....."
43. Shirts that seemed much less translucent before you got to church.
44. When your snotty reply of "oh, I thought I lost something" to Helicopter Mom's "Missing Child! Missing Child!" is met with her blank, humorless stare, so you just back away and trip over your newly returned child.
45. When you lose the banning-toy-guns battle, so you settle for "don't shoot each other in the face."
46. When explaining #45 to a visiting child and his mother, your son paraphrases it to "Mom says body shots are nicer."
47. Because you just had to wear a skirt to the park on a windy day.
48. All home cake attempts.
49. That before each and every school picture day someone will walk into a wall, get punched in the eye by a sibling, or decide she needs bangs. Most likely all three.
50. And just everything going on here:
So much awkward.....
I'll tell you this much though; if there is a lot of awkward in your life, then there isn't a lot of boring. And you help keep our lives unboring, Readers. Keep it up!
Yes, she totally just called you awkward.......pretty sure it's not passive aggressive or mean. She isn't Perfect Mom.