Friday, October 19, 2012

Awkward Mom vs. Bronchitis - round 3

And now, the last word. From our sponsor: Super Preschooler.

Dearest Readers, tis I; Super Preschooler! Here to save the day (or at least the post) in a flurry of flowery adjectives and awkwardness. Awkwardness yes, but perhaps with a little more style and color then has been around these parts lately. I mean, she has bronchitis, she isn't Camille or something. Did I just compare my mother to a courtesan with tuberculosis? Well, yes, but I said she was NOT Camille. I mean, come on, she doesn't have that kind of wardrobe. Shesh.

So, Mom's voice is back. This is a gray area, superheroly speaking; like a Magneto-type villain, if you were. It is mostly a bad thing, but you definitely respect the power and you usually have enough back story to get where the range and rage comes from. Man, that woman can yell. But man, Super Toddler can destroy a room in under 3 minutes, so I get the temptation to use her power for bad sometimes. She has 3 days of yelling to catch up on, so it should be a blast, literally, around here for a bit.

But not yesterday! Yesterday, I had an all day playdate with Awesome Preschooler. All day! Readers, it was glorious! We did all kinds of stuff; amazing stuff that I am not gonna tell you about because it is secret club stuff. Now, if you wanna join out secret club, I might tell you. I mean, I would need to talk it over with Awesome P. but she is pretty cool with new friends. You'll need a wand, a dress-up dress, maybe some jewelry. Well, if you need jewelry, I have some you could borrow. I bet the blue necklace with the stars would look just perfect on you. When can you come over? What? Oh, what was I talking about again? Oh yes! Yesterday, right; Great day, the best really. I mean, Awesome P.'s brother was here too, but babies can't play pretend, so he and Super Baby mostly hung out with Mom. Which made her happy and not yelly, so I suppose babies are OK. Sometimes. On occasion. As a distraction. Whatever, they are still pretty boring.

So, mostly Awesome P. and I planned our wedding. It is gonna be like Cinderella's and then we are gonna live in a cool castle, with Mom and Dad and Mr. and Ms. Awesome. I suppose the babies will have to be there too, but they can just get married to each other and we can have another wedding! I don't know who is gonna marry Super Toddler....he has some good points that must appeal to someone. Excellent Toddler could marry him, she is tough and could keep him in line. I'll ask her next time I see her. Yes, that is a good idea. But I had to tell Mom about the wedding because it is gonna be pretty fancy and I have about 50 cents. She was so excited that she spit water across the room, which made me think that an ice sculpture that trickles punch would be a lovely addition to the reception. I was a little concerned about the face she made when Awesome P. told her that we were gonna have a baby. I thought Bronchitis was trying to kill her or something. But I think it was just shock that we would be so into babies. I mean, I'm not, but if it makes Awesome P. happy, that's cool. She says that there is a whole row of them at Target. Says we can get a dozen or more. Whatever, back to my wedding plans. Well, I wanted to tell Mom about the fountain ice sculpture thing, but Mom must have been dealing with some of the mind-alerting stuff that Bronchitis does sometimes because she wanted to talk about college and responsibility and some other stuff that I didn't really understand. We need to get rid of this guy, he is making her crazy.

That is when Awesome Preschooler and I come up with a plan to poof Bronchitis out of Mom. Super Toddler wants to call him Bronc, but I see him more as a mad scientist kind of villain, rather than a straight bruiser. And for a mad scientist, you need the -itis. You just do; it's science. So, we get all dressed up, you do not poof in normal clothes. I mean, I don't need to tell you this, do I? Awesome Preschooler wants to be Cinderella and so did I, but hey, no need to fight. I know some fabulous fairy friends and they recently sent me a stunning selection of sartorial selections. In the wave of a wand, Awesome Preschooler and I are in matching blue dresses with just the right amount of sparkle. Cinderella is tricky balance, you never wanna go overboard with the bling; it just isn't her. Now, it takes some convincing, but I finally get Super Toddler into something approximating a costume. I mean, we really ought to be grateful that he is wearing anything at all. He agrees to a hat and a shoves a wand in each pocket, like some gun-slinger out of Oz.

We pop out of the bedroom and spring on Mom and the babies. Awesome Preschooler climbs on the coffee table to begin the aerial offensive and I aimed from under the couch; we didn't know what his defenses were like and had to be ready, you know. So, we are poofing like crazy and the babies (being babies) are trying to grab the wands. (I am totally starting to rethink this baby thing with Awesome Preschooler.) Mom is looking pretty freaked out; I guess that deep within her, Bronchitis is freaking out at our display of power. So I am thinking this is working. Well, that is when Super Toddler shouts something about "hitting you where you live" or something like that (he is pretty hard to understand sometimes), and then he knocks Mom in the throat. Yeah. Well. I told you that I don't think Bronchitis is a bruiser and now I am pretty sure I was right because that didn't do anything but get our wands confiscated for an hour.

But she let us watch Cinderella, so that is a plus. Gave me some more wedding ideas. I am thinking that releasing some doves would make a nice touch. What do you guys think?

Thanks for that pleasing and powerful post, Super Preschoooler. And thanks for checking that Awkward Mom's heart is functioning; sometimes a big jolt of adrenaline can be good for her. But if she gets anywhere near Awkward Dad with your wedding plans, you are gonna have to deal with a much bigger college lecture. Fair warning.

High noon; wands at 20 paces.  

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