Because a normal pumpkin isn't awkward enough, that's why.
So, Super Preschooler loves fall. (He comes by it honestly; it is my favorite time of year too.) His love really knows no bounds; physical, mental, and especially financial. You see, little Martha Stewart over here thinks that everything should be decorated according to its season. Eggs everywhere for Easter. A cluttered cacophony for Christmas. Hearts hover in our home for St. Valentine's Day. (You try to find appropriate V words!) Anywho, you can best believe that it is wall to wall pumpkins at Awkward Manor right now because Super Preschooler definitely holds to the design adage; "why do, when you can overdo?" (He also comes by that one honestly, Awkward Grandma once hung a 5 foot bat in her foyer for Halloween, right next to a 6 foot tall singing Frankenstein's Monster.)
He has been sneaking Halloween decor into the shopping carts since it started popping up sometime around the Fourth of July. At first, it was little pumpkin shaped erasers and Halloween on Sesame Street coloring books. Then, the window clings started to show up. And everyone knows that window clings are the gateway decor. After that, he was completely hooked; glitter ghosts, witch candles, Boo doormats, strings of candy corn lights, carvable plastic pumpkins (what the?!), cauldrons, Halloween trees (complete with Halloween ornaments) and more costumes than Elton John would shake some oversized glasses at. My favorite had to be the elaborate Star Wars Halloween flags because, really, who doesn't want to celebrate Halloween on Tatooine? (Oh, Puny Awkward Mom!)
Most of Super Preschooler's decoration ideas are quietly returned to the shelves before we leave the store, minus the window clings because you can never have enough window clings. (See? addictive.) Despite this cruelty on my part, our house currently looks like 1313 Mockingbird Lane. OK, well, the cobwebs may have been here since June, but the point is, he has plenty of decorations. However, the one thing that he didn't have was a real pumpkin. I was trying to put this off as long as possible, remembering, vividly, the aroma of the mold that grew in the one last year. I was even trying to sell him on these plastic carvable ones (Oh, it is a whole new world, Readers.) but Awkward Dad was having none of that. Therefore, we faithfully made a trip to the apple-less apple orchard, took a million pictures that I have already subjected you to, and picked a pumpkin. Super Preschooler carved it that night. And by that, I mean, the following:
Awkward Mom: Please don't use that knife. It is way too big.
Awkward Dad: How do you expect me to cut it with that little plastic thingie when it is clearly...ouch!
Awkward Mom: Super Toddler, please get your father a bandaid.
Super Preschooler: Hey, stop bleeding on my pumpkin!
Awkward Dad: Why can't you just carve a face in it?
Super Preschooler: This is prettier. I saw it in a Halloween design magazine.
Awkward Dad: Why is our child reading design magazines?
Awkward Mom: I can't control what they put at the checkouts.
Awkward Dad: Why can't he want candy like everyone else? Super Toddler, I don't need a bandaid on my eye.
Super Toddler: Pirate! Pirate!
Awkward Mom: Just give it to me, I'll do it.
Super Preschooler: Be careful with the eyes.
Awkward Dad: I primed it for you. Make sure to tell people that I did the hard work and you just came in at the end.
Awkward Mom: Oh, I will certainly tell people that you opened it up on the floor and left it for Super Baby to graze out of while you caught the end of that ballgame, before you argued with Super Preschooler about his design choice for close to 45 minutes. That only stopped because Super Baby was choking on a seed. Then, you picked the largest and dullest knife we own to carve out 1 claw and part of an eye before cutting yourself and bleeding all over the pumpkin and our middle child.
Awkward Dad: Well, if he had just put the bandaid on my hand and not my face, he would have been in the clear. Super Toddler, I do NOT need a bandaid beard.
Super Toddler: Pirate!!
Super Preschooler: Careful, careful! This is the feathered part.
Awkward Mom: Shush! Don't distract me.
Awkward Dad: If it were just a normal face, this would be done by now.
Awkward Mom: Shush.
Awkward Dad: I bet the Awesomes are gonna have a normal face pumpkin.
Super Preschooler: Shush!
Awkward Dad: They even had a normal one on the Peanuts Halloween special. You like that one, don't you? Let's just do a face.
Super Preschooler and Awkward Mom: SHUSH!
Awkward Mom: Super Toddler, get that bandaid out of your eye.
Super Preschooler: Take a little off the side, please.
Awkward Dad: It was an important game, I couldn't miss it. Super Toddler, stop that!
Super Toddler: 2 Pirates!
Super Preschooler: Nice ear, Mom.
Awkward Mom: Thanks, now, I just need to focus on this piece here....
Awkward Dad: AH! Super Baby, get that out of your mouth!
Awkward Mom: Sweep her mouth! She is turning purple!
Awkward Dad: Whew. She's OK.
Super Toddler: Bandaid?
Awkward Dad: No, she'll just eat that too.
Super Preschooler: ummm....
Awkward Mom: Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. Maybe I can fix it. I could take a little off the other one?
Super Preschooler: Sigh. No, it's OK. It is mostly good. I'll just tell people that it's an owl.
Awkward Dad: Should've done a normal face....
Hey Readers, do us a favor? If you see Super Preschooler, tell him that his pumpkin totally looks like an owl. OK? Thanks!