Dear Hipster Couple that chose to judge and mock my parenting decisions in loud whispers, with lots of eye-rolls and giggles, this evening at the Saline Road Meijer:
1. I can totally hear you.
2. I am gonna assume that my hearing you is on purpose and not because you are too stupid to understand the age-old art of whispering, otherwise known as talking-quietly-so-people-won't-hear-you-saying-dumb-and-thoughtless-things-about-them-behind-their-backs.
3. I can see your cart, and I think the quinoa is gonna be cancelled out by the Fruit Loops. Just saying.
4. I know that you probably got up like 5 hours ago, but some of us have been changing diapers since dawn and are just not in the mood to deal with this level of immaturity in the cereal aisle.
5. My daughter is adorable the way she is and doesn't need "a good wipe-down and a cuter pair of shoes." She is also hipper at not-even-2, than you 2 are at pushing-25.
6. Your Hipster cred is done no favors by the fact that you are shopping at a Meijer at 7:30 at night. You do know that Trader Joe's is still open, right?
7. You oughta watch it with the "when I am a parent, I will NEVER..." comments. Mostly because they are rude. Also, you freely admit you are not a parent and therefore have no idea what I have gone through today and what it is costing me to hold it together to finish my shopping and not bean you both with some boxes of pop-tarts.
8. You should also watch your "NEVER" comments because you are Hipsters. Ergo, you have Hipster friends. Hipster friends who are gonna never let you live it down when you do become parents and do all the things that you said you were never gonna do (because it happens to the hippest of us). They are not gonna do this because they aren't your friends. They are gonna do this because they are Hipsters and love irony.
9. Look, I love Converse too. But the addition of matching skinny jeans, impossibly ironic graphic tees, and oddly shaped glasses have you about two weather-inappropriate-infinity-scarfs away from front row at a Bon Iver concert. Sweeties, it's supposed to be a "look," not a "uniform."
10. I am not mad at ya. You are bored in a Meijer and I look like a good target to practice your sarcasm skills on. Do what you gotta do. All I wish for you both is a happy and long life together. And about 3 sets of twins.