Thursday, July 11, 2013

Awkward Mom vs. The Pool Rules

Cannonball! I think we know who is going to win this one.....

So, I spend a great deal of my summer at the public pool, squinting at the rules sign (no sane person wears her glasses to the splash-fest that is the public pool) and trying to figure out why it is even posted so prominently. No one ever follows them. Therefore, here is my humble contribution of Pool Rules that I think we should treat a little more seriously than "shower before entering the pool." Seriously, does anyone do that?

1. No Bikinis. OK, don't glare at me. If you just have to show off those hard-won abs in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot number, maybe you could do it over there by the adult pool. I am sure the tanning teenagers and lap-swimming grandmothers will be suitably impressed. But over there in the Tot Pool, all you are doing is generating tidal waves of jealousy and awkward toddler questions like "what's Cabo '99 and why does that Mommy write it on her bottom?" So, no Bikinis in the Tot Pool, for all of our sakes.

2. While we are on the subject of bathing attire, let's all agree to let the children wear what they please. Or rather, what the parents feel up to putting them in. I am all for the public pool's current rule on swim diapers, but after that, do your thing, Parents. Just the swim diaper, some trunks, full Michael-Phelps-level racing suits, SPF 1000000 tops with hats, a t-shirt and some suit-like shorts. I'll even allow baby girl bikinis with ruffle butts, but I will be judging you silently in my mind, fair warning. Children are hard to catch, let alone sunscreen and clothe when they have "going to the pool!" on the mind, and the locker room is a nightmare of horror movie lighting and questionable puddles that is best left quickly. I'm impressed your children are wearing anything at all, so jump on in!

3. With that in mind, please treat this next one like a gentle suggestion rather than a rule. The Tot Pool is 2'6 feet at it's deepest and I am not trying to judge you (no, really, I'm not), but perhaps, just maybe, the combination of life-jacket, floatation ring, lifeguard, and you being 1 foot away is a bit much for Perfect Toddler. Just a thought. I mean, is he even getting wet?

4. Splashing! This is the Tot Pool and we wouldn't have it any other way.

5. Now, I don't know how your public pool does it, but ours has a ton of pool/beach toys that just hang out on the edge of the pool and any child can play with. If your child brings his/her own toys from home and then sets these toys amid the pool toys and another child comes along and picks it up to play with it, I think your child's hysterics might be greeted with something other than your loud protestations that the "offending" child is a "thief." It was an honest mistake and really, how many plastic watering cans does the pool need? Just leave the toys at home, one less thing to carry!

6. Speaking of stuff, if mine is on a chair, that is the universal sign for "I will be using this chair over the course of my visit to the pool," not that I just set my stuff down so that you could move it to a less desirable location when I wasn't looking. This isn't musical chairs, folks. Hands off other people's towels.

7. This pool is full of pee. Now, I know that we are all trying our best to enforce potty breaks and the swim diapers catch the...ummm...big stuff, but let's be real; we are all wading in urine-laced pool water. Take comfort in the fact that there are some heavy-duty chemicals helping out here and that if parenthood has taught you anything, it is your way around some fairly disgusting bodily fluids. Have no delusions, the big pool is full of pee too; those teenagers look totally shifty. Let's have this pee-pool be one of those things that we all know but silently agree not to talk about, like that no one pays attention to serving sizes and that everyone secretly picks their nose. (Using a tissue to cover up your finger doesn't make it not-picking, just saying.)

8. No running. Unless you are running to catch a toddler heading straight for the deep end or Super Baby decides it is a game to run as fast as she can, into the men's room. Sometimes the fast-walk just won't cut it.

9. There is going to be snack envy. Some of you are just more skilled in the culinary arts and apt to create Bento Boxes, filled with hummus, matchsticked carrots, and pita cookie-cut into fish shapes. Take some photos for Pinterest and enjoy, but be prepared for poor, sad children, with less enterprising mothers, to drop their goldfish and raisin boxes to stare of at you and yours as you eat your bountiful creations. It's the risk of dining al fresco, my Friends. I'll try to keep them from drooling on you, but no promises.

10. No cameras. Now, I know that you want to create memories and need material of Perfect Baby's first pool outing for your latest scrapbook, but I warn you now: there are going to be some tired, pale, bloated, hassled, running after Super Baby in a too-tight old maternity swim-suit blurs in the background that might be Awkward Mom or might be the first ever documented proof of a rare aquatic Sasquatch. If you are good with Photo Shop, then feel free to snap away. If not, maybe you should stick to bath photos for the time being.

We thought we would type it up pretty and take it over to the public pool tomorrow to see if they want to hang it up. Don't see why they wouldn't; this stuff is gold!

As a true follower of the Pool Rules (especially rule #10), Awkward Mom only has these photos of the Supers at the pool because Super Preschooler took them himself. Sneaky Super P.......


  1. Awesome rules! I think bikinis should just be banned, period. Like, from the earth. Especially for girls under 10, what is that about?

    What a great selfie Super P took! Scary to think in just a few years he'll be uploading those to Instagram...

    1. I think they are pretty sound. Bikinis, however, are not and certainly need to be banned.

      AHH! I don't even want to think about that, but you are so right....he has hipster written all over him...