So, remember how I was telling you guys that Awkward Dad is basically this Fozzie Bear/Pollyanna hybrid with slightly less hair? And how annoying it can be to live with someone who is always looking on the bright side of things, especially loud children's games and family movie night? Someone who turns every pile of lemons into a pitcher of zoo lemonade? Well, I can't believe that I forgot to pull a Pollyanna of my own and tell you the good things about living with a Pollyanna. Just goes to show that I am not a natural Pollyanna, I suppose.
The most positive thing about living with a Pollyanna is that he will Pollyanna all over you and your million faults. Everyday of your life. A few examples:
1. Me: I have the worst temper!
Awkward Dad: You have a lot of passion and I am so glad to have you in my corner.
2. Me: My hair won't do what I want it to do today!
Awkward Dad: It is just trying to tell you to let it down and be naturally beautiful.
3. Me: I wish I learned how to do makeup.
Awkward Dad: And cover up all those adorable freckles?
4. Me: This house is such a mess; I'm a terrible housekeeper.
Awkward Dad: That just means you are too busy raising wonderful children to have time to clean.
Me: You know full well I was reading a novel half the day.
Awkward Dad: That just means you have an active creative mind and will teach the children self-reliance and that they are not the center of the universe, plus that books are awesome.
5. Me: I am so fat.
Awkward Dad: Your body has given us three healthy wonderful children and deserves to be talked to nicely.
Awkward Dad: Plus, those curves make you look like a more modesty dressed Botticelli Venus.
6. Me: I am such a nerd!
Awkward Dad: Yes, you are! I love that; wanna go read some comics?
7. Me: I am so bad at balancing our checkbook!
Awkward Dad: I am sure the bank will alert us if we run out of money.
Me: But I should be more organized!
Awkward Dad: Why? The lights are on. We have food. Netflix works.
8. Me: I should be homeschooling the children.
Awkward Dad: Do you want to?
Me: No. But I should want to.
Awkward Dad: No, the only should here is that their first encounter with education should be positive and joyful and not with someone who thinks she needs to compete with other moms who are just more naturally drawn in a direction that she is not. There is time enough to learn to spell and count; just love them your own way. It's a pretty awesome way.
9. Me: I didn't make dinner.
Awkward Dad: Awesome! I was craving pizza anyway.
10. Me: I suck. Why do you even stay married to me?
Awkward Dad: It would take too long to list everything I like about you. But mostly because I love you.
Me: But I am not Perfect Mom.
Awkward Dad: No, you aren't perfect. Thank goodness! Perfect is so boring. My awkward adventure of marriage to you and parenthood with you is the most wonderful aspect of my life. If you think that I would trade that for some kind of sterile, boring, predictable, waiting-room-stay with a Perfect Mom, then you aren't Awkward Mom, you are Crazy Mom.
Me: But I don't deserve you.
Awkward Dad: I don't deserve you either, that's what makes it love and not a business partnership. Now, can we watch the Avengers? Those kids aren't gonna sleep forever.
I tell you, he is relentless. A person's naturally low self-esteem doesn't stand a chance under an onslaught like that. Therefore, when I start to get a big head over here and think I am not the awkward mess that I really am, you all know who to blame; Awkward Dad and his daily barrage of compliments and undeserved sweetness. So happy that he decided to be a hero, can you imagine that level of power in the hands of a super-villain? Yikes!
Me: Are you sure this dress is OK? Is my hair too short?
I'm not sure these flowers are bright enough.
Awkward Dad: I respect you deeply and mean this from a place of love,
but I need you to shut up and kiss me.