One day you might want to marry someone. No pressure if you don't want to marry anyone, but if you do, here is a little quiz that might help you determine the marriageability of your potential suitors.
1. Who is your favorite Beatle?
- John (Acceptable, but expect some ego issues and an activist phase.)
- Paul (Acceptable, but expect a vegetarian and/or drug phase.)
- George (This is the correct answer.)
- Ringo (This person lies for shock value or likes strays; expect to live with 16 rescue animals.)
- I don't like bugs. (Run as fast as you can.)
2. Who are Luke and Leia?
- Weren't they in Star Wars? (Acceptable, but iffy. Keep on eye on it.)
- I don't know who Leia is, but Luke the Evangelist wrote the third gospel and is the patron saint of artists and physicians. (Go for it if you never want your Sundays or Wednesday nights free again, but get him/her over to Wookieepedia stat.)
- No idea. (Run away.)
- Are you referring to the characters Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa? Or are you referencing the musical theme called Luke and Leia that John Williams composed and is heard during their shared screen time and makes an appearance in the LEGO Star Wars game? (MARRY THIS PERSON. NOW.)
3. What kind of music do you like?
- Names a genre of music. Any genre. (Acceptable, life is full of variety.)
- I don't really like music. (No; that is just weird.)
4. What is your favorite book?
- I don't have one.
- Follow-up question; "Is that because A.) you have so many you love or B.) because you can't read?"
- A.) Obviously, this is acceptable.
- B.) This person is sad and not for you, my sweet.
- I really prefer T.V. (Nope.)
- Catcher in the Rye. (Kinda predictable, don't you think?)
- To Kill a Mockingbird (Acceptable.)
- Some fantasy novel you have never heard of. (Acceptability here depends on how this is presented; if he/she offers to share it, cool. If he/she is trolling to prove he/she is in a more elusive and exclusive nerd subgroup than you, walk away. You have been raised by nerds and you are better than that.)
- This fan fiction site I visit. (No. Nothing against it, but fan fiction is not a book. I don't care how long some of them are or how seriously J.K. Rowling takes them.)
- The Bible (OK, but see the second answer to number 2 here. Gonna have to clear your schedule a little for this one.)
- Frank Miller era Daredevil (Quite acceptable.)
- Frank Miller era Batman (Equally acceptable.)
- Any other book that wasn't written by E.L. James or Stephenie Meyer. (Acceptable.)
5. What is your favorite movie?
- I don't like movies. (Nope.)
- Scarface. (If this person is a 19 year old boy, this might just be a phase. You can hold on and see, if you have time to kill. If not, no. Interesting in a genre way, but not favorite movie material; I guess, unless potential suitor is a drug-dealer, but then no because of that.)
- That one with Adam Sandler...(Cut that off right away. No.)
- Gone with the Wind. (Overrated and questionable. Find out why. If this person relates to Scarlett or thinks slavery wasn't that bad, that is a clear No. If this person merely respects Selznick's epics or the movie wizardry that Victor Fleming pulled off, then OK. Broaden their horizons with a little John Ford and force them to watch Doctor Zhivago, but OK.)
- Anything by Martin Scorsese. (Quite acceptable.)
- The Godfather. (Make sure he/she doesn't mean the third one, and if not, acceptable.)
- Anything by Hitchcock. (Acceptable but watch it. Too much love for Psycho or Strangers on a Train is a giant red flag you should not ignore.)
- Wizard of Oz. (Quirky, but very acceptable.)
- Metropolis. (OH! Someone found a Fritz Lang fan! Is he/she in film school? If so, this might be a phase, but it is a fine one. If this person is not in film school and knows who Fritz Lang is, set the date for that wedding RIGHT NOW.)
- This one I saw on the Hallmark channel last week. (Nope. Don't care how cute it was, just nope.)
- Names a movie you have never heard of. (Intriguing, as you were raised by people who check imdb.com before they check their email. Make sure this intriguing film isn't a porno and then ask to view it. At this point, I'll leave the acceptability up to the solid film judgement I have nurtured in you since your birth.)
- The one I made myself. (Nope. It is probably a porno. And if not, that is just braggy and gross anyway.)
6. Who is the president?
- No idea. (Run away.)
- You mean of my frat? (Run away.)
- Names the president. (This is the correct answer.)
- Names the president and then confesses to not voting for her.
- Follow-up question: Did you A.) not vote at all, B.) just disagree with her stance on [insert your more important political issue], or C.) have issues with her foreign policy platform?
- A.) No. Civic duty is important.
- B.) If he/she is on the opposite side of your pet issue, it is workable, but think about it. I want to enjoy my future Thanksgivings.
- C.) No biggie. No one understands foreign policy anyway.
7. Do you like animals?
- No. (No way. Never trust a person who doesn't like animals.)
- Yes. (This is the only correct answer.)
8. Who is your favorite Muppet? (This is the most important question on here, my lovelies.)
- Kermit. (Acceptable; you have found a peacekeeper.)
- Miss Piggy. (Acceptable; watch it though, you have a diva on your hands.)
- Gonzo. (Acceptable; your parties are about to get 10 times more fun.)
- Fozzie. (Acceptable; you have just found a true blue friend, not afraid to be vulnerable. Beware the bad jokes though.)
- Animal. (Acceptable; your parties are about to get 100 times more fun. Invest in some more insurance.)
- Dr. Teeth or any of the Electric Mayhem. (Acceptable. Rock on, you have found a musician. Don't let the band practice at your place unless they are actually good.)
- The Swedish Chef. (Acceptable. Maybe he/she likes to cook! Score.)
- Names one from Sesame Street. (OK, but followup with A.) Have you just never seen the Muppet Show? or B.) does Ernie really speaks to you or C.) is Cookie Monster your spirit animal?
- A.) Bring he/she over here; a history lesson is in order.
- B.) That is totally acceptable.
- C.) That is more than acceptable.
- Names a Muppet not in the main core of Muppets. (YES, YES, YES. Doesn't matter who it is, they are all awesome and this person knows the Muppets as well as you do. Set the date.)
- What are Muppets? (Take a moment to pity him or her, and then run for the hills.)
Hope this helps, you guys! Know that if you love your future spouse, I will love your future spouse. That said, if they fail any of these, Thanksgiving is going to be uncomfortable. Just saying.
I love you,
Next week, we return you to your regularly scheduled awkwardness. It's good to be back!