My darling children-
Today I am filled with an unfocused, yet desperate, need to tell you everything that you might need to know to make your way in the world. Maybe it is the urgency of fall in the air or the school supply sales that I have blatantly been ignoring, but something is whispering in my ear that time is of the essence. Therefore, here is a completely random list of things you might need to know. You can blatantly ignore it, if you want to.
1. Grammar is very important. You need not overuse semi-colons like your mother, but at least understand the basics of commas. Let's eat, Grandma is an entirely different sentiment than Let's eat Grandma. Later, we'll get to the difference between there, their, and they're. You're and your. Then and than. Mastery of these differences will be required if I am ever going to allow you to use the internet.
2. Speaking of the internet, or whatever has replaced it in 2023, it isn't life. It is a ton of fun and I want you to use it to make plans with your friends, share pictures, and get ideas for stuff you might wanna do in the real world. But please, don't live there.
3. Speaking of living, I know that you will someday live somewhere else. Not with me. I don't care if this is an apartment, house, tent, commune, or igloo; just please make your bed occasionally and screen roommates carefully. Anyone saying that they live an "alternative" lifestyle can be discounted straight away for being pompous and vague.
4. Speaking of vague, don't be. I don't care what you are into or interested in; embrace it. Make model trains, paint china dishes, start a screamo band, garden, act, sew stuff, collect Bakelite jewelry, play Dungeons and Dragons, learn the harpsichord, knit-bomb parking meters, build micro-houses, or do all of those things. The world is a fascinating place, full of fascinating hobbies and fascinating people who also like those things. Once your (not you're) grammar is up to snuff, you can use the internet to find them and further your non-vague interests.
5. Speaking of interests, have some. A handful, like me. Or a ton, like your father. That's up to you and your ambition. Just find some other things you like that aren't your job.
6. Speaking of jobs, I don't care what you end up doing for a living. OK, strike that. I will not be terribly pleased with careers in the drug or stripping industries. Whatever you chose to do for money, please realize that it does not define you, limit you, or owe you happiness. Work to live, please don't live to work. Life is too much fun.
7. Speaking of fun, have a lot of it! Life is short.
8. Speaking of short; yeah, sorry about that. My height genes seem to be pretty strong. Know this; you will never have to duck going through a doorway! And speaking of life being short, it really isn't. OK, well, it is. People will say to you all the time that life is short and to not waste it. This is technically true. The years will start to fly at some point. However, within those years, there are many many days and many hours. Enough for anything you might want to do; even take a bunch of naps, occasionally stare off into the middle-distance, or daydreaming at length. There is time; no reason to live like you are in a race.
9. Speaking of races, no pressure to win. Seriously. Winning the race can be fun, but if you hang out in the middle someplace with a friend, you will probably laugh more and enjoy the sights around you. Of course, this is a metaphor; if you are in cross-country or something, I suppose you should try to win. I guess. Maybe. You know what? Sports advice is gonna have to come from your father.
10. Speaking of your father, he is amazing. Meeting and marrying him is the best thing that I ever did. Obviously, because it enabled the birth of all of you, but also because life is a lot of fun with a best friend to share your joys and your sorrows. You can easily have this without marriage, so if that isn't your path, fear not. If it is your path, be patient. I am not discounting the possibility that one of you might find a Topanga, but it is more likely that you will date other folks before finding the one. This will be fun, and this will be heartbreaking. And I will be there during the entire process if you need a snack.
11. Speaking of snacks, that sounds lovely. Back soon with more advice!
I love you,
My plan is to do this until Awkward Dad writes his blog entry, so you might wanna get on the horn and tell him to hurry up! Kisses!
12. Speaking of giant pretend hot dog buns,
with condiment pillows;
if you find one, you are gonna want to pretend to be a hot dog.