Awkward Mom vs. Confidence

Super Preschooler has been playing in the middle of the living room for an hour and a half. His sister is napping. His brother is on topic 36 with me. Neither of us can stand to be alone or hear the silence. But Super Preschooler might as well be in a bubble made of spun sugar and self-sufficiency. I do NOT understand the child, but I sure wish I was more like him.

I get so lonely sometimes. Which is odd for someone who can't get a second alone to pee, but there it is. I crave friends. Interactions. Conversation. Shamefully, probably attention and validation as well. Super K. resembles me in this regard. He is the kid at the park asking all the other kids to play, and I am the mom at the park asking all the other moms to talk to me. Luckily, Super K. also seems to have a teflon spirit and the "nos" and "go away little kid" don't seem to affect him with the same hurt that the mom rejections hurt me. I need to work on that.

But what I really want to work on is being more like Super Preschooler. The child is magical.

 I think he might also be a World War I flying ace. 

It isn't just that his inner world is amazing and fantastical and probably rainbow flavored. That helps, I am sure. And his self-contentment is so completely total. He seems to need nothing, even food or sleep on occasion. Sure, he has challenges and flaws; who doesn't? Super Preschooler's are there, but nothing that is gonna stop him from fully embracing the world. Or world domination. I don't think he has decided which yet. All wonderful but not the true source of the magic. The true source of his magic is his delightful confidence. He is so utterly and completely who he is. And he knows it. And I am sure he thinks "who wouldn't want to be friends with me? Anyone who doesn't, well, bless em, but their loss."

Don't get me wrong; Super Preschooler isn't arrogant or vain or anything like that. I mean, first of all, he is 3. Can one even be arrogant at 3? Not sure, but I doubt it. Lastly, Super Preschooler is totally benign and clearly wishes all he meets goodness and cheer and candy of some type. He just isn't going to chase you down to be his friend. For starters, he has enough imaginary ones as it is. If you want to hang, come on over and have a lego; he has tons and is willing to share. But don't expect massive overtures or complicated invitations. Super Preschooler knows that you don't need those. You want to party with him, as is.

The kicker is that he's right. Super Preschooler draws people to him with the sheer force of his magical confidence and charm. It is totally innate and natural; he isn't trying to be charming or confident. He just is. He is just him and people love him for it. He knows this at 3 and doesn't mess with it.

I am 35 and seem to mess this up all the time. Somewhere on my life journey, I got it into my head that "well, gee, Erin, you are kinda awkward and weird. People are probably just being nice to you because they feel sorry for you. And if they do want to be your friend, you better work like the dickens to make sure they want to stay friends with you. Keep the weirder stuff to yourself. Don't, like, start blogging about it or something silly like that, OK?"

Ummmm.....opps.

However, despite what that little voice in my head might think, there is evidence that people do like me. Probably not as many people as like Super Preschooler, but come on:

No one else on earth is this cool, so comparing oneself to Super Preschooler is futile and pointless. 

He wins at life for that hair alone. 

But comparison is another villain and another battle. Today, I am talking about confidence. Mine should be higher. Mostly because it currently hovers above the floor, but also because I am pretty neat. And folks should want to be friends with me. I am a good friend. Sure, I'm a little weird, but if the internet has taught me anything, it has taught me that we are all a little weird. And no one is very good at hiding it on Facebook. No one. I have seen your photo albums, I know. And it's OK. I still wanna be friends with you.

There's a new month coming. December; with all it's bustle and crazy and wonder and delightful abundance. The year is ending. Jesus is coming. School is halfway. It's an interesting time of possible togetherness and potential loneliness. It happens to also be a time of year that I love and yet fear. Worry is high at Christmas; "will so and so like my present?" "Surely these handmade cookies aren't enough, I should add a gift card." "Does so and so even like me at all? I shouldn't bother them with a card. They'll feel the need to reply." "Don't look too needy." "Don't forget so and so." "Don't be so you, Erin. Simmer down." "Perk it up, Erin. Doesn't matter if you don't feel like it." Blah blah blah......Cripes, it isn't even December yet and I am tired.

Therefore, this month, I am trying something new. This Christmas season, my mantra is gonna be "Be like Super Preschooler. I am enough." I could go on and on about what that means, but you know what, I don't have to. I am enough.

I may be enough,

but Super Preschooler has always been more.

Have a feeling that moreness is gonna continue for a long time.