It is 6:32pm. Dinner is not ready. That is really all you need to know.
Me: Super Toddler, get that out of your mouth. Toy snakes are not for eating.
Super Toddler: Hungry! Want food!
Super Preschooler: I am starving, I am so hungry; I may die!
Me: I'm working on it, just hang on. Get that out of your mouth; snakes are not food!
Awkward Dad: Well, you know, that really depends. In many cultures...
Me: Are you serious? Really? Couldn't you just back me up for once? We all know you are smart. We all know that you know stuff. We all know you are the doctor, and I am the lame housewife. Yes, yes; Genius Awkward Dad! Always educating the children with infinite patience and literal truths. Children, yes, snakes are food in many cultures around the world. Should we cook up your snake tonight?! Hand it over, I'll put it in the pot.
Super Preschooler: AHHH! NO!!! Murderer!
Super Toddler: My snake! Mine! AHHH!
Awkward Dad: Just calm down.
Me: You calm down! You. You! In fact, you make dinner. You watch them tomorrow, I'll go to work and play doctor for awhile. Have fun educating them on the culinary habits of the world when you have just changed your 14th diaper and the cat throws up and the bills show up and they won't nap but they need to and you can't get to the phone because someone decided to put it in the fridge along with 18 legos. You. (Bursts into tears.)
Awkward Dad: Super Toddler, get that out of your mouth. Snakes are not for eating!
More often than not, mini-battles are colossal losses for Awkward Mom and allies. But, fear not, Readers, we are winning the war; we are totally winning the war. "Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." Look! Look! Winston Churchill liked alliteration too!
Apparently, snakes are for hugging.